Always Wrong Comic Strips - Page 8
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Boss: This doesn't feel right. Dilbert: It came straight from our lawyer. Boss: It just feels wrong. Can you research it a little more? Dilbert: Sure. I can do that research in my head. Let's see... our lawyer got his degree at Harvard and has twenty years in this exact field. Whereas you have a "feeling" that is probably the result of an unholy combination of greasy food and ignorance. The data clearly favors the Harvard Law degree over the cheeseburger. ... Good luck. He's in a bad mood.
The Boss: Here's your assignment. Do it! Do it! Do it, you idiot!" Dilbert: What kind of management is that? The Boss: That's called tough love. Dilbert: Tough love only makes sense if I am doing something wrong and refuse to change. The Boss: Well, sometimes more is less. Dilbert: The saying it 'less is more,' not 'more is less. The Boss: If less equals more, then more must equal less. Duh. "This is the part where you usually refuse to admit you are wrong."
The Boss: From now on, all travel must be booked through the corporate travel web site. Alice: Our travel web site is terrible. It only lets you book the cheapest flight, and that's always on Elbonian Airlines. The Boss: Don't be such a snob. What's wrong with using a discount airline? Alice: Well, they list their destination airports as 'whatever looks soft'. The meals in first class are made of anyone who dies in coach. Their entire security screening process involves shouting at each passenger 'Are you Osama bin Laden?!!!'" "And I once saw a baggage handler wearing my dress. The Boss: Whiner.
Dogbert: I'd like to kick off the project by assigning blame for its eventual failure. Dilbert: Shouldn't we do that after the project is over? Dogbert: I see no reason to wait. Dilbert: Well...okay. Our boss will make us use the wrong vendor. Wally won't do any work. Alice will alienate the client, and Ted is generally worthless. Dilbert: In summary, my excellent work will be rendered moot by nincompoops. Asok: Do you even work here? Dogbert: No, I was just in the neighborhood.
Dilbert: "Do you have a minute?" The Boss: "No, I'm busy." Dilbert: "When would be a good time for me to come back?" The Boss: "Come back when I'm not busy." Dilbert: "Aren't you always busy?" The Boss: "Heck, no." "Sometimes I'm in between doing one thing and doing another thing." Dilbert: "When will that happen?" The Boss: "It's unpredictable." "Ask Carol to call you when I'm not busy." Dilbert: "Carol, would you..." Carol: "I'M BUSY!"
The Boss: "Dilbert, I need you to do something, but I don't have time to fully explain it." "I'll give you just enough information to send you down the wrong path." "Later, after you do it wrong. I'll treat you like you're some sort of idiot." "Then I'll put you through the embarrassment of undoing everything you did." "This might not sound like a good plan to you." "But it takes the task off of my plate and puts it on yours." "That's called progress." Dilbert: "Today I helped make progress." Garbageman: "Better luck tomorrow."
Tina: Did you get the note I left on your monitor? "Yes." "Did you get my voicemail?" Dilbert: "Yes." Tina: "Did you get my e-mail?" Dilbert: "Yes." Tina: "Should I tell you what the note and voicemail and e-mail said?" Dilbert: "There's something wrong with you."
The Boss: "Asok, according to my spreadsheet, you have been doing a terrible job." Asok: "Perhaps your spreadsheet is poorly conceived and does not capture the complexity of the real world." "And let's not forget the near certainty that your formulae are pointing to the wrong cells." The Boss: "Numbers don't lie."
Dogbert Consults Dogbert: "Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment." "I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data." "Then eat the wrong kinds of foods and hope you die before the earth does. The Boss: "You're making me hungry!"
Ratbert: I'd like to buy some snow tires for a refrigerator. CLerK: "This is a lingerie store. Get lost before I stomp on your tail." Ratbert: "I think I debunked the theory that the customer is always right."