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THE HONEST VENDOR: Dilbert and the vendor reach to shake hands. The vendor says, "It wasn't nice to meet you." Shaking hands with Dilbert, the vendor says, "You didn't buy enough; I'll probably spank my hamster for no reason." The vendor thinks to himself, "Repeat business is over-rated."
Tags #the boyfriend project, #progress, #seen in public, #slimmed down, #toned up, #changed clothes, #no combover, #nobel prize, #wrestiling, #party, #cocktail party, #feeding words, #socializing, #mistakes, #speech, #control
Caption reads: "The Boyfriend Project." Alice holds up a "Before" picture of her boyfriend in front of him. He is now strong, lean, and completely, bald. She says, "You're making good progress." Alice's boyfriend continues to flex his muscles as she says, "I'm ready to be seen with you in public. But don't do any talking." Alice and her boyfriend are seen talking to another couple at a party. Her boyfriend says, "...And that's why I think there should be a Nobel Prize for wrestling." Alice leans over and whispers in his ear, "I said..."
Dilbert sits in a chair reading the paper. A worker approaches him and says, "I got the roof off. I'll be back next week to finish." Dilbert follows him to the door and says, "What if it rains?" The worker replies, "Then I'll work indoors." Dilbert follows him to his truck. He says, "But my house will be ruined." The worker says, "I can't control the weather."
Alice sits looking frazzled as the Boss says, "You're understaffed and overworked." Two people appear behind the Boss as he continues, "So I hired a stress counselor and another manager to glare at you." The stress counselor massages the Boss' back and says, "Relax...Deep breaths...There..." The manager stands over Alice glaring at her.
The Boss is sitting at his desk. Wally enters and says, "I was here all night. Is it okay if I take tomorrow as a comp day?" The Boss replies, "According to our security video, you slept all night on a pile of debris in your cubicle." Wally replies, "Is it just me or is this conversation jumping all over the place?"
The Boss says to Wally and Dilbert, "Profits are down. Our senior management blames the weak economy." Dilbert responds, "So they're saying that profits went UP because of great management and DOWN because of a weak economy?" The Boss responds, annoyed, "These meetings will go faster if you stop putting things in context." Dilbert replies quietly, "Sorry."
Headline: Six Sigma Consultant. Dogbert says to The Boss and Dilbert, "Every company that used my six sigma program increased profits." Dogbert continues, "...Except for the ones that were in industry downturns..." Dogbert continues, "...Or flat growth industries... Or industries that only upturned a little bit."
Headline: Six Sigma Consultant. Dogbert says to the meeting, "The first step is to identify your problems." The Boss responds, "We don't have any problems. What's the second step?" Alice pins one hand down with the other and clenches her teeth. She thinks to herself, "Must..control...fist." The Boss says, "I hope someone gives me a belt."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, you're going to Elbonia to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business." The Boss continues, "Meanwhile, I'll tell our stockholders that we expect the mud delivery business to make huge profits." Dilbert says, "Um... is this illegal?" The Boss replies, "There's no law against optimism! I checked."
Dilbert, the Boss, and Wally are at a meeting. The Boss says: "Our division is unusually profitable this year." He turns to Dilbert: "That means our targets for next year will be set impossibly high." He turns to Wally: "Our only hope of reaching our profit target next year..." He continues: "...is to sabotage profits for the rest of this year." He explains further: "It's too late to stop customers from buying our products." He continues: "So we'll focus on increasing wasteful spending." The Boss puts his hand on Wally's shoulder and tells him: "Wally, I'm sending you to a leadership training class." After the meeting, Wally sticks out his coffee mug and asks Dilbert, "Did you ever stick out your coffee mug and just follow where it took you?"