Dead In The Water Comic Strips - Page 8
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DISCOUNT BROKERAGE: A man on a cell phone says, "I need an estate plan for after I pass away." Dogbert, in his office and wearing a headset, says to the man, "Here's a plan: Stay dead. No one likes a zombie." The man on the cell phone asks, "What about gifts?" Dogbert's reply is, "Zombies make bad gifts."
Dilbert looks as Wally who is holding an enormous bottle of water. Wally says, "I use my huge bottle of water to avoid work." Wally drinks from his huge bottle of water to the sound of, "Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug," and Dilbert watches. Wally continues drinking, to the sound of, "Glug glug glug glug," as Dilbert looks at his watch to time him. The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, would you... um... Wally? Uh... Wally..."
The Boss hands a black briefcase to Wally. He says, "You'll impersonate our dead customer and make large purchases from us." Wally looks down at the briefcase and says, "I've never done anything like this before." The Boss replies, "It's called 'work.'" Wally walks away, continuing to hold the briefcase. He asks, "Am I doing it right?"
Alice enters Dilbert's cubicle and announces, "Wally's in jail for impersonating a dead person." Alice, sipping her coffee, continues, "He'll have to use all of his street smarts to survive." Wally is seen in jail sitting next to a large man with tattoos, lifting weights. Wally grips his briefcase to himself and says, "I'll need some temporary tattoos. Which way is the gift shop?"
Headline: Stock Market Expert. Dogbert is seen through a TV screen. He says, "If your core holding is a falling knife, you can dollar cost average through the dead cat bounce." A man is watching TV on his couch. Dogbert's voice continues, "My secret economic model says you should change your cash allocation from 12.4% to 12.3%." Dogbert and the TV interviewer are seen through a spilt screen on the TV. Dogbert says, "My new book is, 'If you aren't churning, you aren't learning." The interviewer replies, "Don't come back."
Headline: In Elbonia. An Elbonian says to Dilbert, "We manufacture our mud using bottled water and bags of fertile soil." The other Elbonian holds up a bag of soil. Dilbert replies, "There's a huge demand in my country for bottled water and bags of soil." The Elbonian responds, "Is anyone selling bottled air to you morons yet?"
The Boss says to Dilbert, "If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same?" The Boss continues, "The toothpaste factory should have a pipe to every home so you can turn a faucet..." The Boss continues, "And don't even get me started about pudding." Dilbert hits his fists together and thinks, "Meteor, meteor, meteor, meteor."
Dogbert is standing on The Boss' desk wearing a hat, a backpack, and holding a stick. Dogbert says, "I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations." Dogbert observes Wally and records, "The one I call Wally is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." Dogbert asks Wally, "Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear?" Wally responds, "Not really."
Dilbert hands a piece of paper to The Garbageman and asks, "Does my latest assignment look impossible?" The Garbageman reads the paper and replies, "Let's see... You'd need to slow the speed of light, and perfect the art of human cloning..." Dilbert asks, "So there's hope?" The Garbageman responds, "Eliminate gravity, stop the sun, reanimate the dead."
Wally says to two children, "Then they rip out your ego and they put you in a box until you rot!!" The two children jump back and exclaim, "Gaaa!!" Wally continues, "You'll never know if you're dead or if you're simply envying the dead!!" The children look terrified. Dilbert bumps into Wally while walking down the hall and asks, "How was 'Career Day?'" Wally responds, "Kids these days are afraid of work."