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Dogbert says to several people wearing only towels, "Thank you all for coming to Dogbert's 'New Age Mineral Water Spa.'" Dogbert continues, "After your chowder bath therapy, I will be channeling the spirit of Jackie Mason in ballroom 'B.'" Dilbert says, "He's not dead." Dogbert replies, "Then I'll talk to his career."
Dilbert asks the cleaning man, "And your name is . . . ?" The man replies, "Call me Mr. Tidy." Dilbert says, "The agency says you're experienced." The man replies, "Yeah, I've cleaned out some of the nicer homes in this area." The man continues, "The best thing here is to load your possessions into my van and I'll clean 'em at my place." Dilbert asks, "Will that cost me extra?"
Dilbert asks Dogbert, ". . . What if you succeed in your campaign to censor opera?" Dilbert continues, "Before you know it, somebody will try to censor other forms of art." The text balloons above Dilbert's and Dogbert's heads are blank.
Dogbert leads a tour group. He says, "This next exhibit is the pride of 'Dogbert's Museum of the Strange and Amazing.'" A man holds his child up to see an exhibit that is labeled "Dan Quayle's Brain." The man says, "It looks like a little piece of cauliflower." The child eats the cauliflower and his father says, "Sorry, we should have stopped for breakfast . . ." Dogbert says, "What am I going to tell Marilyn?"
Dogbert leads a man and a woman through the museum. Dogbert says, "'Dogbert's Museum of the Strange and Amazing' is the only place you can find . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . A shirt woven entirely from a single thread of Tazmanian woogat silk." The man says, "It looks like the cheap polyester shirts that I wear." Dogbert says, "In that case, this is the gift shop."
Dogbert approaches Dilbert sitting at a desk. Dogbert says to the man and woman following him, "This exhibit is the pride of 'Dogbert's Museum of the Strange and Amazing.'" Dogbert continues, "This is an engineer, deep in a computer-induced trance and oblivious to his environment." Dogbert holds out a container of balls and says, "You can bop him in the back of his head with whiffle balls for ten cents a throw." The man gets out his wallet and says, "Gimme a dollar's worth."
Bob the Dinosaur stands next to Dogbert's desk. Dogbert says, "I'm writing to President Bush's dog." Bob says, "You don't mean . . ." Dogbert responds, "Millie, their Springer Spaniel." Dogbert looks at Bob and asks, "Who did you think I meant?"
Dogbert stands in front of several men and says, "Welcome to Dogbert's School for aspiring Self-Service Gas Station Attendants." Dogbert continues, "I will teach you how to sit in a little building and do nothing." Dogbert continues, "These same skills can be transferred to a career in Congress or Fotomat." A student says, "Really? Fotomat?!"
Dogbert stands in front of several men and says, "Dogbert's School for Self-Service Gas Station Attendants will not be easy." Dogbert says, "Phillips! What would you do if a customer couldn't figure out how to use the pumps?" Phillips answers, "Nothing. It's self-service." The man sitting next to him thinks, "Great . . . there goes the curve."
The caption says, "Day one: Dogbert's School for Self-Service Gas Station Attendants." A student raises his hand and says, "Question." The man asks, "Do service station employees qualify for military benefits?" Dogbert replies, "I don't think so." The man asks, "Can we fool women with these uniforms?"