Dont Exist Comic Strips - Page 8

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View 71 - 80 results for dont exist comic strips. Discover the best "Dont Exist" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dont worry, #high crime area, #experts assure you, #gange members, #exhautsed, #beat up

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CAtbert: Don't worry that the company is moving to a high-crime area. "My experts assure me that you'll have a 90% chance of survival every time you walk outside." "That estimate depends on the assumption that the gang members become exhausted from beating you up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #raises, #more pay, #mathy, #don't get mathy

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The Boss: Don't feel bad if you only got a 3% raise; I only got 2% myself. Alice: "Can we feel bad that 2% if your pay is bigger than 3% of our pay?" The Boss: "Don't get all mathy on me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #don't sit by popel, #full flight, #suitcase, #overhead comaprtment, #bin, #scotch over

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"Your seat is next to mine, but I don't like to sit by people." "It's a full flight, so I don't see how I could...oh dear..." "No, I wll not 'scooch over.'" "News!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stealth layoff, #evil director, #human resources, #worthless employees, #job no longer exists, #business

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "I call it a stealth layoff." "We move all of the worthless employees to the same project. When it's done, we tell them that their jobs no longer exist." "I don't like the look of this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee of the month, #award, #don't know my job, #never listen, #boss

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"The employee of the month is Tina, for all of the um...various work that she does." "You have stripped this award of its meaning by showing that you don't even know what my job is." "It's as if you've never listened to anything I've ever said." "You're welcome!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sales call, #long distance, #how long?, #50 miles long, #don't know anyone

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The Boss' phone rings and he thinks to himself, "Again? That thing rang last week, too." A telephone company representative calls the Boss. "Hello. May I interest you in long distance phone service?" The Boss replies, "How long is it?" The telephone representative answers, "Umm...it's very long. Extremely long." The Boss replies in a demanding manner with one arm thrust in the air, "I need to know exactly how long it is!" The Boss continues to say, "If it's too short I'll have to shout the last mile! I hate that." The telephone respresentative replies, "Okay...it's fifty miles long." The Boss responds, "No, thanks. I don't know anyone fifty miles away."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cold learning, #cruelest, #don't wear a coat, #first lesson, #good liar, #sales support engineer, #seeking advice, #how to lie

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Dilbert: I'm a sales support engineer now. Can you teach me to be a good liar? Dogbert: Sure. Meet me on the porch, and don't wear a coat; the cold will help the learning. The first lesson is always the cruelest."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting right now, #lunch time, #12 hours, #misery, #envy, #dead don't eat lucnch

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The Boss: Can you come to a meeting right now? Dilbert: No, it's almost lunch time. If I miss lunch, my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery. I will envy the dead. The Boss: That's stupid. The dead don't eat lunch either.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dieting & weight control, #interviews, #tattoos & body marking, #job interview, #face tattoo, #overeating, #bad idea, #people can see, #dont interview well

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Boss: Did you ever think that getting that face tattoo might be a bad career move? Interviewee: No. Was there ever a time you thought overeating was a bad idea? Because people can see that. Boss: You don't interview well. Job interview

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ignorance (knowledge), #managers & supervisors, #values, #don't run with scissors, #ask for raises, #employee values, #business

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CEO: Experts say we need to empower employees with "values." So I guess we need some values, whatever the heck those are. Boss: I think it's like "Don't run with scissors." CEO: Let's start with that and see if they stop asking for raises.