Search Results for "future perfromance"
Share December 19, 1993's comic on:
Dilbert kneels in front of a machine. He tells Dogbert, "My time machine is complete." Dogbert says, "I guess you'll be off to explore exotic and fascinating civilizations." Dilbert asks, "Why would anybody want to do that?" Dogbert replies, "Beats me." Dilbert says, "My plan is to send all of our trash to ourselves twenty years from now. We'll have much better recycling methods by then." Dilbert puts a bag of trash into the time machine and says, "I wonder what elegant methods we'll have for recycling in the future." Dilbert continues, "I bet we'll have a way that's quick and efficient and . . ." Dogbert asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Dilbert says, "Uh-oh." They hear a "ping." Dilbert and Dogbert stand among several bags of trash. Dilbert says, "We would send it back in time and wait for it to decompose." Dogbert says, "I hate us."
Share September 22, 1998's comic on:
Caption: Catbert: H.R. Director Catbert stands on the top of a chair talking to the boss. Catbert says, "You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself." The Boss says, "So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people?" Catbert says, "Exactly." The boss stands behind Dilbert and reads from a piece of paper. The Boss says, "I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when your performance improves."
Share August 20, 1995's comic on:
The Boss walks by and Dilbert says to him, "Please don't promise the product manager more than we can deliver." The product manager says to the Boss, "We need a totally new software interface in one month." The Boss replies, "You got it!" The woman continues, "And rewrite the operating system so we dominate the industry." The Boss says, "Concurrent development. Check." The woman thinks, "Suddenly I feel omnipotent." She stands up and says, "I want all new hardware, anti-gravity packaging, holographic agents . . ." The Boss yawns. The manager asks, "Can your team really do that in a month?" The Boss replies, "Let me get their reaction." The Boss shows Wally a document. Wally screams and his skull pops out of his mouth. Wally lies on the floor twitching. The Boss says, "Pessimism will not look good on your permformance review."
Share November 05, 1995's comic on:
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted." The Boss looks at a transparency and says, "Put the presentation date on each page." Dilbert says, "Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them." Dilbert continues, "There's no reason to date them. In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page." Dilbert continues, "But since you're incapable of admitting error . . ." Dilbert bows and continues, "I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page." The Boss says, "Some people might not have calendars and we have to make sure it's not a holiday." There is an explosion. A cloud of smoke hovers where Dilbert's head should be. Dilbert says, "Ouch. My brain exploded." The Boss says, "The first presentation is February 30th . . ."
Share January 11, 1998's comic on:
The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, this is Rex Tangle, our newest employee." Rex is completely square, with flat sides to his head and torso. The Boss says, "Rex was specially bred to work in a cubicle." Wally says, "Looks like he'll fit right in." The Boss says, "Ask him about his personal life." Wally says, "Rex, how's your personal life?" Rex says, "I don't have one. That would be like stealing from the company." A little heart showing love floats above The Boss's head. Wally and Rex walk off. Wally asks, "So, do you eat lunch?" Rex says, "I would enjoy a good square meal." Dilbert and alice are sitting in the company cafeteria eating their lunches. Wally says, "Meet the future." Rex says, "Hello, you round pegs!"
Share April 12, 1999's comic on:
The boss, Asok, Dilbert and wally sit at a conference table. The boss says, "Introducing the new bonus plan." ASok raises his hand and says, "Yes!!! I'm already working at peak performance, so that bonus is as good as mine!" Phil appears behind asok and says, "Asok, Mr. Reality wanted to visit you, but his car won't start. I'm Phil."
Share July 10, 1999's comic on:
The boss and Dilbert are in a meeting. The boss says, "Meet with our vendor and come up with a plan. I'll do the same with their executives." Dilbert says, "Can you see any reason why MY meeting might be a complete waste of time?" The boss says, "Sure, lots of them, but I'm planning to spring those on you during your performance review."
Share October 19, 1999's comic on:
The Boss says to Alice, who is seated in her cubicle, "Every department was asked how it could reduce its budget by ten percent." The Boss says, "Your project is vital to the future of the company, so I cleverly offered to eliminate it, knowing they couldn't accept." The Boss says, "Now this is the funny part..."
Share November 09, 1999's comic on:
Dilbert and Wally are sitting at a table with notes and coffee in front of them and sitting opposite them is the boss. Wally says, "...And since our bonuses depend on things we can't control..." Wally continues, "...Can mine be based on the performance of some other company?" Dilbert and Wally are walking off and Wally says to Dilbert, "You ask one question and sussenly you're not a team player."
Share May 19, 2000's comic on:
The Boss says to Dilbert during his performance review, "You didn't show any initiative this year." Dilbert replies, pointing at the Boss, "That's your fault for creating an atmosphere of fear and distrust. You, you, you." The Boss thinks to himself, "Note to self: Increase fear."