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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 2007's comic on:


Tags #all hands, #creepy hands, #conference room, #desk, #table

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How was the all hands meeting? "Creepy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 05, 2007's comic on:


Tags #apply for opening, #manager, #bonding, #compete for same job

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Dilbert: Do you mind if I apply for the opening in R&D? The Boss: Hey, I just applied for the manager job there? Dilbert: Um...maybe I'll wait. The Boss: To make sure I'll be your boss?" Dilbert: Ooo-kay... The Boss: This must be what bonding feels like."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 29, 2012's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #prosperity, #intuition, #market research, #success rate, #binary choices, #tiny manager, #made of copper, #business

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Boss: From now on, I'm going to rely on my intuition instead of market research. Dilbert: If guessing can bring your success rate up to 50% for binary choices, I'm all for it. Hey, look! I found a tiny manager made of copper in my pocket!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 15, 2012's comic on:


Tags #celebrities, #wealth, #money manager, #dumb celebrities, #pay close attention, #money invested, #protect money, #money

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Dogbert: I've decided to become a money manager for dumb celebrities. Celebrities don't pay close attention to where their money is invested, or who is stealing it. Dilbert: So you plan to help them protect their money? Dogbert: That would be one way to play it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2012's comic on:


Tags #honesty, #managers & supervisors, #leader, #manager, #bad managers, #hinesty, #business

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Boss: I see myself as more of a leader than a manager. Catbert: That's what all bad managers say. I'm just being honest. Boss: That's what all jerks say.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 23, 2012's comic on:


Tags #chain of command, #district manager, #ceo, #braille toad, #questions

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Boss: I send your question up the chain of command. I talked to the district manager who talked to his AVP who talked to his VP who talked to his SVP who talked to the CEO. The answer is that we need to shine the braille toad. Dilbert: Do you see any problem with our system?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 04, 2008's comic on:


Tags #class, #less useless, #carry coffee cups, #work faster, #two hands

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Wally says, "I took a class to learn how to be less useless." Wally says, "Now I carry twice as many coffee cups wherever I go." Carol says, "Does that make you work faster?" Wally says, "I only have two hands."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 11, 2010's comic on:


Tags #favor, #excuse, #integration manager, #director of sustainability, #real, #matrix management, #neo

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Coworker says, "Wally, would you??" Wally says, "No. I'm doing something important for the brand integration manager." Coworker says, "Maybe after that you could?" Wally says, "Then I'm doing a rush job for the director of sustainability." Coworker says, "Are those even real people?" Wally says, "Welcome to Matrix management, Neo."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 15, 2009's comic on:


Tags #customer, #hands, #refusal, #ridicule, #criticism, #germs, #angry

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The boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to meet one of our biggest customers. She has some technical questions." Dilbert says, "Whoa! Get that disease-infested paw away from me!" Dilbert says, "Don't you follow the news? Shaking hands is so 2008." Dilbert says, "No offense, but you look more like a virus incubator than a vigorous hand washer." Dilbert says, "So why don't you pull that death stick back up your sleeve and we can pretend this ugly incident never happened." Dilbert says, "And if it's not too much to ask, could you exhale toward things I'm likely not to touch?" Dilbert says, "Okay, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, what can I tell you about our new product line?" Dilbert says, "We lost a customer, but I survived the meeting." The Boss says, "Next time, do it the other way."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 29, 2009's comic on:


Tags #project manager, #gene pool, #kitchen, #losing, #foreboding, #anguish, #monitoring

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, this is Ellen, your new project manager." The Boss says, "If you do a bad job, Ellen will be on you like a ton of bricks." Boss says, "And if you do a good job, she will be threatened by your success and make it her mission to destroy you." Dilbert says, "Wait...what?" Dilbert says, "Did you just tell me I'm going to lose no matter what I do?" Ellen says, "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." Ellen says, "And by kitchen I mean the entire job market And the gene pool." "Dilbert says, "I have a bad feeling about this." Ellen says, "Your anguish nourishes me!"