Ill Will Comic Strips - Page 8
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The strip is titled, "Dogbert's guide to your tax dollars." A vacuum cleaner sucks up dollar bills. Dogbert says, "Did you ever wonder how all that tax money gets spent? Roll the tape." The caption says, "Inventing secret things." Two scientists look at a device. One of them says, "It doesn't look like much, but it'll smart like crazy if you sit on it." The caption says, "Sending secret things into space." The other scientist says, "Maybe we'd better classify it secret and send it into space with the other stuff." The caption says, "Education." A teacher says, "Sex will kill you, food will kill you, smoking will kill you, alcohol will kill you, drugs will kill you . . ." The children sitting at their school desks look frightened. The caption says, "Art grants for things you aren't open-minded enough to appreciate." Dilbert looks at a shoe sitting on a pedestal. The artist says, "I call it 'The Bug I Hated.'" The caption says, "Advanced health care." Two doctors stand next to a bed where a skeleton lies. One physician says, "You were right, Benson. X-rays and microwaves are not the same thing." The caption says, "Paying Congress." A senator says, "Our raises came through!" Another says, "I think I'll send myself a thank-you note!"
Dilbert stands in front of a room of people. He says, "Welcome to Dogbert's 'School of Hard Knocks.'" Dogbert says, "This is the school you've heard so much about." Dogbert continues, "Chances are, one of your parents is a graduate of this school." Dogbert continues, "At Dogbert's School of Hard Knocks, you will gain the wisdom that can only be obtained through suffering." Dogbert opens a box and continues, "Throughout the course, I'll be whacking you with various blunt objects." Dogbert continues, "It may be unpleasant at first, but you'll get used to it." Dogbert continues, "Eventually, your brain will rationalize the whole experience. You'll think I'm a dedicated teacher, and you'll actually believe you learned something." Dogbert shakes a stick and says, "Stick with the basics, I say."
Dilbert stands at the counter wearing an apron. He reads a recipe and thinks, "Add one jar of spaghetti sauce . . ." Dilbert struggles with the lid on the can. Dilbert lies on the counter trying to open the jar. Dogbert says, "Let me try to humiliate you by opening it easily." Dogbert struggles with the lid and thinks, "This definitely would have worked in 'Family Circus.'" Dogbert walks down the hall and says, "I'll see if Bob can open it." Dogbert hands the jar to Bob the Dinosaur. Bob says, "No problem for a mighty dinosaur." Bob smashes the lid against his forehead. Dilbert scrapes the sauce off Bob's forehead and into the bowl. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Will you STOP humming 'My Way.'"
Alice walks away from Dilbert's cubicle and says, "I don't believe men have a special chromosome to tell them which assignments are a waste of time." Dilbert leans out of his cubicle and says, "We do." Alice approaches Asok and thinks, "I will test the theory on young Asok the intern." Asok looks at the documents Alice is holding and says, "Mmm . . . The sweet smell of unnecessary work." Alice thinks, "Maybe men are more perceptive than you'd think." Asok thinks, "She's aroused. I'll make my move."
The Boss, Tina the Tech Writer, Asok the Intern and Ratbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment." Tina says, "I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent." Tina continues, "MY next raise will depend on THEIR performance." Asok says, "I'll do the sports page!" Ratbert says, "I'll be the topless model on page two."
Tina the Tech Writer, Asok the Intern and Ratbert sit at a conference table. Tina says, "Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter . . ." Tina continues, "I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor." Asok says, "I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore I'll be executive editor." Ratbert asks, "Is 'publisher' taken?"
Wally, Dilbert, Alice and the Boss sit at a conference table. Wally says, "I'm pleased to report another banner week of accomplishments!" Wally continues, "I streamlined my business processes while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity!" The Boss asks, "You watched the mandatory training videos?" Wally adds, "And I lost my free will!"
Dogbert sits on the bed watching Dilbert tie his tie. Dogbert says, "I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor." Dogbert continues, "Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant." Dilbert says, "That sounds lazy and unhelpful." Dogbert asks, "Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?"
Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dilbert shows Dogbert a ring and says, "As you can see from my ring, I'm a member of the 'Talc Club' at work." Dilbert continues, "With hard work and a bit of luck I will rise to the next level: shale." Dogbert says, "I can honestly say my respect for you has never been higher." Dilbert says, "Someday, God willing, I'll make it to aluminum."
The Boss says, "Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale." Alice stands in her cubicle and replies, "Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism!" The Boss says, "I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four times a year." Alice says, "I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan."