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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 10, 2001's comic on:


Tags #ergonomic evaluation, #key board, #supposed to hurt, #feel hands, #whole body numb

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The Boss is sitting at his desk. Asok the intern asks stiffly, "May I have an ergonomic evaluation of my chair and keyboard?" The Boss responds, "Asok, work is supposed to hurt. That's how you know you're doing it right." Asok exclaims, "I can't feel my hands!" To which The Boss replies, "My whole body is numb!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2004's comic on:


Tags #phone calls, #plane, #hello jack, #hi jack, #misunderstood, #scared people, #flight attendant, #alraming, #irplane, #learning from trip

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The Boss: what were your key learnings from the trip? Dilbert: I learned that there are people you shouldn't call from a plane. Earlier that day Dilbert: Hi Jack!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 03, 2004's comic on:


Tags #menagerlike work, #criticize, #reorganize, #key board, #hot slef, #noredom, #offcie, #re organizing

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The Boss: It's been a few hours since I've done anything managerish. I could criticize someone...nah. I could have a meeting...nah. Im reorganizing the department. Dilbert: excuse me while i beat myself with my keyboard.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 2005's comic on:


Tags #evil director, #himan resources, #downsized, #free dvd, #live off land, #shoplifting, #running fast

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "Don't worry about being downsized after the reorganization." "Downsized employees will get my free DVD that teaches you how to live off the land." "The key to successful shoplifting is running very fast."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 23, 2005's comic on:


Tags #sales target, #have bad credit, #bonuses, #accounts receivable, #getting bonuses

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Dilbert: "The only way to meet our sales target is by selling to customers who have bad credit." The Boss: "That's okay, we'll get our bonuses before anyone realizes that the accounts recievables are worhtless." The Boss: "The key to getting bonusses is acting surprised later." Dilbert: "I feel unclean."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 06, 2005's comic on:


Tags #faq for wedsite, #anticipate questions, #questionaire

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I hired Mr. Dogbert to write the F.A.Q. for our web site. "The key is to anticipate our customers' most likely questions." "Question 1: Where does your CEO live? I need to know so I can throw your cruddy project through his biggest window."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 16, 2007's comic on:


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Dogbert consults "You need a dashboard application to track your key metrics." "That way you'll have more data to ignore when you make your decisions based on company politics." "Will the data be accurate?" "Okay, let's pretend that matters."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 17, 2007's comic on:


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I can monitor the company's key metrics from my executive dashboard. "Uh-oh. I need to do a better job of falsifying my data." "Allow me to set the stage for your next assignment by reminding you that stockholders have never done anything for you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 2007's comic on:


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"I disappoint people, but I'm learning to enjoy it." "The key to happiness is to love who you are, not who others want you to be." "Doesn't that make you a sociopath?" "Yeah. I love that about me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 24, 2013's comic on:


Tags #happiness, #work ethic, #workplace happiness, #direct deposit, #mental distance, #effort, #paycheck, #no clear goal, #doing good work, #job satisafaction, #stress related problems, #highly demotivated, #psychology

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Asok: Wally, what is the key to workplace happiness? Wally: Well, Asok, it all starts with direct deposit. You want to keep some mental distance between your effort and your paycheck. Next, you want to work on projects that have no clear goals or deadlines. Coworker: Hey, Wally, can you... Wally: No, I'm too busy doing various things. Asok: What about the satisfaction of doing good work? Wally: Job satisfaction is what people feel right before they die from stress-related problems. Asok: I feel highly demotivated right now. Wally: You are very welcome.