One Page Report Comic Strips - Page 8

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #department newsletter, #high profile assignment, #technical writer, #intern and rodent, #spats page, #raise based, #topless model

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The Boss, Tina the Tech Writer, Asok the Intern and Ratbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment." Tina says, "I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent." Tina continues, "MY next raise will depend on THEIR performance." Asok says, "I'll do the sports page!" Ratbert says, "I'll be the topless model on page two."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #40 % sick days, #fridays, #mondays, #good one, #kidding

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Asok the Intern sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "It has come to my attention that 40% of your sick days are on Fridays and Mondays. This is unacceptable." Asok throws his head back and shouts, "Ha ha ha!!! That's a good one!!!" Asok sees the serious look on the Boss's face. He turns to Dilbert and Wally and says, "Please tell me he was kidding." Wally says, "Welcome to hell, kid."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #highly fragmented, #optimize heard drive, #vague, #one gig hard drive, #pentium processor

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Dilbert walks into the office building carrying a laptop computer in a case. A security guard with a huge head says to Dilbert, "Halt and submit to the mind scan of 'Brainitor, the Guardian of Security.'" Brainitor closes his eyes, puts his hands on his head and says, "The bag contains one computer . . . 'Pentium' processor . . . one gig hard drive . . . highly fragmented . . ." Brainitor continues, "Please wait while I optimize your hard disk . . ." Dilbert says, "This is vaguely unsettling."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Catbert, #evil director, #human resources, #enjoying job, #temporary, #emplotyee manual, #job satisfaction, #stealing company, #admisiion, #fearing sheiks pain, #business

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Wally sits across from Catbert's desk. Catbert says, "According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally." Wally replies, "It was temporary. I don't know what got into me . . ." Catbert says, "Please refer to page one of the employee manual." Wally reads the manual, "Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company." Catbert says, "I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cause problems, #dogcart consulting, #one full year, #smarter, #ten million doallrs, #work guraenteed, #year 2000, #y2k

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The Boss and Dogbert sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "When the year 2000 comes, your computers will think it's the year '00' and cause major problems." Dogbert continues, "The Dogbert Consulting Company can fix the problem for only ten million dollars. Our work is guaranteed for one full year, starting today." The Boss says, "But why would I care? The year '00' is before I'm born." Dogbert says, "Amazing . . . You'd actually have to be SMARTER to do something STUPID."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ratbert the consulatant, #existing computer, #new one, #new system, #devastating, #paid exactly the same

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Ratbert and Dilbert sit at a table. Ratbert says, ". . . Then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one." Dilbert asks, "What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating?" Ratbert says, "Let me check my contract . . . Nope. I get paid exactly the same." Dilbert says, "Yeah, same here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #one hundred business cases, #level of approval

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Dilbert carries a stack of documents. He tells the Boss, "Per your instructions, my request for a million dollars has been broken into one hundred business cases." Dilbert continues, "Each one is for ten thousand dollars, which is your exact level of approval authority." The Boss says, "I meant I can approve anything UNDER ten thousand dollars . . . So if you wouldn't mind . . ." Dilbert replies, "Killing you? No, I wouldn't mind a bit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #every department, #create web page, #internal network, #include enough info, #security precaution

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Every department is required to create a Web page for our internal network." The Boss continues, "It should include enough information to be difficult to maintain, but not so much that it's useful." The Boss continues, "As a security precaution, we'll make it too dull and unorganized to read." Wally asks, "Is pornography in or out?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ask for one, #juggle mushrooms, #project review meeting, #trained bats, #five year budget forecast

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The Boss sits at his desk and tells Dilbert, "You didn't give me your five-year budget forecast." Dilbert replies, "You didn't ask for one." The Boss says, "It was discussed at the project review meeting." Dilbert replies, "You didn't invite me to that meeting." The Boss asks, "Did you accomplish ANYTHING this week?" Dilbert answers, "I trained the bats who live in my cubicle to juggle mushrooms."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #abandon logic, #manage cliches, #one bird, #always right handed, #actually inprovement

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The Boss tells Dilbert, "I've decided to abandon logic and manage by cliches." The Boss continues, "It won't be easy, but I'll take it one bird at a time." The Boss continues, "And remember, the customer is always right-handed." Dilbert says, "This is actually an improvement."