Replace Myself Comic Strips - Page 8

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

260 Results for Replace Myself

View 71 - 80 results for replace myself comic strips. Discover the best "Replace Myself" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #mandatory training, #business ethics, #save money, #training, #decorate offcie, #taken training, #common sense

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss asks Dilbert, "Have you taken the mandatory training for business ethics?" Dilbert answers, "No. But if you SAY I did then you'll save some money on training which you can spend to decorate your office." The Boss says, "Luckily, I haven't taken the training myself." Dilbert says, "I hear it's mostly common sense anyway."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #temporary employee, #blink and gone, #balance of power, #shifted

View Transcript

Transcript

Ratbert sits in a chair facing a desk. Ratbert says, "I submit myself as a candidate for the position of 'temporary employee.'" Ratbert continues, "I'm VERY temporary. First I'll be in one place and then you blink and I'm gone! Blink, gone, blink, gone, blink, gone . . ." The person behind the desk says, "Stop saying 'Blink, gone.' It's making me nuts." Ratbert replies, "It appears that the balance of power has shifted my way."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #jet pilot experimce, #ow hard, #money, #pretty boy, #experience, #corporate jet, #budget pressure, #pilot eject seat

View Transcript

Transcript

A man reads Dogbert's resume and asks him, "Your resume doesn't list any experience as a jet pilot, Mister Dogbert." Dogbert says, "How hard could it be?" Dogbert continues, "You could spend a lot of money on some pretty boy pilot with experience, or you can save a few bucks and have ME drive the corporate jet." The man says, "I AM under a lot of budget pressure . . . And I'm not allowed on the jet myself . . ." Dogbert asks, "It has a pilot eject seat, right?"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Catbert, #sadistic plot, #different objectives, #staus report, #staple himself

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert peers over the wall of Wally's cubicle and says, "Guess what, Wally." Wally says, "What sadistic plot has HR come up with now, Catbert?" Catbert shows Wally an org chart and says, "We're giving you a real boss plus a 'dotted line' to another boss who has different objectives." Catbert continues, "The status reports alone will take forty hours a week." Wally opens a stapler and says, "I'm gonna staple myself to death."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #king dogbert, #first ruler, #internet, #bow before me, #internet is millons individuals, #until now, #dogbert fancies himself king, #technology

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert stands on the desk and says, "I declare myself 'King Dogbert,' the first ruler of the Internet!!" Dogbert raises his paws over his head and yells, "Bow before me or be expelled from the kingdom forever!!!" Dilbert enters wearing a bathrobe and asks, "Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently?" Dogbert replies, "Until now!"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bear, #Dilbert, #sales, #seven times

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert and Dilbert sit at a table. The doorbell rings. Dilbert opens the door and a bear says, "Hi. I'm the bear skin rug you ordered by mail." The bear enters the house and says, "I'm a kit. You just have to kill me, rip my guts out and leave me to dry." Dilbert looks shocked. Dilbert covers his eyes and says, "Egad! I couldn't possibly do that. Please . . . Just go." The bear says, "You'll receive a full refund, of course." Dilbert says, "No, no! Please keep it." The bear, who is really a man in a bear suit, walks into the rug store. A man at a desk asks, "How were sales today?" The man in the suit replies, "Great! Sold myself seven times."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #dollars, #inventing, #secret, #better, #classify, #send, #space, #stuff, #kill, #smoking, #drugs, #open-minded

View Transcript

Transcript

The strip is titled, "Dogbert's guide to your tax dollars." A vacuum cleaner sucks up dollar bills. Dogbert says, "Did you ever wonder how all that tax money gets spent? Roll the tape." The caption says, "Inventing secret things." Two scientists look at a device. One of them says, "It doesn't look like much, but it'll smart like crazy if you sit on it." The caption says, "Sending secret things into space." The other scientist says, "Maybe we'd better classify it secret and send it into space with the other stuff." The caption says, "Education." A teacher says, "Sex will kill you, food will kill you, smoking will kill you, alcohol will kill you, drugs will kill you . . ." The children sitting at their school desks look frightened. The caption says, "Art grants for things you aren't open-minded enough to appreciate." Dilbert looks at a shoe sitting on a pedestal. The artist says, "I call it 'The Bug I Hated.'" The caption says, "Advanced health care." Two doctors stand next to a bed where a skeleton lies. One physician says, "You were right, Benson. X-rays and microwaves are not the same thing." The caption says, "Paying Congress." A senator says, "Our raises came through!" Another says, "I think I'll send myself a thank-you note!"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #mister, #rich, #person, #depends, #slumping, #economy, #cutting, #moves, #bold, #questionable, #looks, #acorn, #squash

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert walks along the sidewalk humming. Dogbert meets a man in a robe and slippers followed by two men in suits. Dogbert says, "Good morning, Mister Rich Person!" The man replies, "Good morning." One of the men behind him says, "I don't know about 'good.'" The other says, "Depends." Dogbert asks, "Have you been hurt by the slumping economy?" The wealthy man replies, "I've had to make some bold cost-cutting moves." The man behind him says, "I don't know about 'bold.'" The other man says, "Questionable." The rich man says, "I used to surround myself with yes-men . . . Now, all I can afford are these maybe-men." One of the maybe-men asks, "Did you know that the back of your head looks like an acorn squash?" The rich man says, "It takes some getting used to."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ratbert, #disguise, #chihuahua, #prejudice, #oscar, #race relations, #Dogbert, #pillow

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert says to Dogbert, "I'm going to disguise myself as a Chihuahua for a week." Ratbert continues, "Then I'll make a movie about prejudice against Chihuahuas!!" Ratbert continues, "When I win an Oscar, I'll turn it down and say 'This is for my brothers, the proud Chihuahuas.'" Dogbert says, "Go away."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work avoidance device, #leave meeting, #scurry away, #pager number, #grasping concept

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice stands at a vending machine. Wally points to a beeper on his hip and says to Alice, "I got myself a little work-avoidance device." Wally continues, "If I want to leave a meeting early, I just look down and say 'uh-oh' and scurry away." Alice asks, "What's the pager number in case I need you?" Wally says, "You're not quite grasping the concept here, Alice."