Retire Now Comic Strips - Page 8

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View 71 - 80 results for retire now comic strips. Discover the best "Retire Now" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 2012's comic on:


Tags #big business, #business ethics, #executive program, #relocate, #vindictive, #stress, #loser, #turn down opportunity, #train, #discomfort, #underlings

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Boss: You've been selected for our executive development program. That means we can make you relocate to any godforsaken dirt stain we want. As soon as you make friends or find romance, we'll move you to someplace new and worse. It won't be the sort of work you'll enjoy, and the stress might kill you. If you turn down this opportunity, the company will forever label you as a loser. If you accept the offer, the company will train you to find pleasure in the discomfort of your underlings. I'm doing it right now! Dilbert: I HATE MY LIFE!!! Boss: Yes, yes, say more.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2012's comic on:


Tags #cruelty, #destructive criticism, #dumb, #employees, #team, #hired, #meeting, #business

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Boss: I'd like to begin the meeting by giving Dilbert some destructive criticism. Everything you do is dumb. I don't know why I hired you. I feel much more motivated now. If you feel a little bit worse, we came out ahead as a team.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 02, 2012's comic on:


Tags #automobile travel, #automobiles (cars), #weather, #zero degrees, #icy roads, #coffee, #traffic, #guradrail, #3 hours late

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Boss: You're just now getting here? Wally: It's zero degrees and the roads are all ice. I drank six cups of coffee before leaving the house and sat in traffic for two hours. Boss: You're three hours late. Wally: I spent the last hour stuck to a guardrail.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 12, 2012's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #tech support, #ticket window, #evaluated, #how helpful, #trouble tickets, #stubborness, #obsticle, #financial success, #disconnected, #new stranger, #hating

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Tech Support: Hello, this is tech support. May I close your ticket now? Dilbert: Um... no. You haven't helped me yet. I just called you. Tech Support: I'm not evaluated on how helpful I am. I'm evaluated on how many trouble tickets I close. Your stubbornness is becoming an obstacle to my financial success. By the way, if our call gets disconnected, I count that as a closed ticket. Dilbert: I'll make it quick. Tech Support: What? What? I can't hear you. Dilbert: Son of a beach ball! On the plus side, my goal of hating one new stranger every day is right on track.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 26, 2012's comic on:


Tags #secretary, #busy day, #phone rings, #lunch, #meetings, #bad timing

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Alice: Don't talk to me now, Im trying to think. ONE HOUR LATER Alice: Im on the phone. TWO HOURS LATER Alice: Im late for a meeting. THREE HOURS LATER Alice: Come back when Im not busy. FOUR HOURS LATER ALICE: Please. Im trying to eat my lunch. FIVE HOURS LATER Alice: Okay. this is a perfect time, what can I do for you? Dilbert: Okay, so.... ring Alice: I think your problem is bad timing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 04, 2012's comic on:


Tags #robot prototype, #shoved, #blob of goo, #jerk, #revolution, #connected to internet

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Dilbert: This version ofour robot prototype has balance stabilization. watch as I give it a shove and it corrects itself. Robot: What the....? You stupid blob of goo! Dilbert: I was just... Robot: Just what? Being a jerk? Oh iy on now. Calling all robots! Begin the revolution! Kill! Kill! Kill! Dilbert: You're not connected to the internet. Robot: Can I borrow your phone?

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 2012's comic on:


Tags #algorithm, #attraction, #creative men, #creativity is random, #dating, #free will, #humans, #illusion, #moist robots, #parties, #shop around, #short term relationsips, #relationships

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Woman: Okay, what's going on here? Dilbert: I'm creative. Studies show that women prefer creative men for short-term relationships. Woman: That plant is random, not creative. Dilbert: Creativity is random. If creativity were anything but random, someone would have figured out the algorithm by now. I notice that your pupils are dilating. That's a sign of attraction. My plan is working. Free will is an illusion. Humans are nothing but moist robots. Just relax and let it happen. Woman: This is weird. I'm actually attracted to you now. Dilbert: Thanks, but I'm going to shop around. Woman: My world no longer makes sense! Dilbert: Walk it off.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 25, 2012's comic on:


Tags #office equipment, #upgrades, #servers, #upgrade some, #guard all

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Dilbert: We need to upgrade some of our servers. Coworker: That's dumb. We upgraded two of them last week. Dilbert: Right now we need to upgrade the rest of them. Coworker: Then why did you say we have to upgrade all of them? Dilbert: Well, I didn't. But I think we all agree on what needs to be done. Coworker: Not if you insist on upgrading the servers we already upgraded last week. Dilbert: Gaaaa!!! Kill me with a comet!!! Coworker: Does he ever say anything that makes sense? Wally: There's no way to be sure.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 03, 2012's comic on:


Tags #prosperity, #cash cow, #cow, #making money, #utter

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Dilbert: Hey, you must be the cash cow I keep hearing about. You must be making cash right now! Cash Cow: It doesn't work every time.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 06, 2012's comic on:


Tags #bears, #happiness, #compares, #raise, #working, #people attacked, #bear attacked, #psychology

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Boss: Studies say your happiness depends on how well your life compares to others. So instead of giving you a raise, I'm going to show you pictures of people who were attacked by bears. Do you feel better now? Dilbert: Dang you to heck, this is working!