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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 23, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #orders, #camp, #girl, #cookies, #daughter, #dozen, #buying, #ted, #money, #character, #earning, #selling, #work

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Ted stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "I'm taking orders for 'Camp Girl cookies' on behalf of my daughter." Ted asks, "How many dozen can I guilt you into buying?" Dilbert says, "I've always wondered, Ted, why do they sell cookies? Is it just for the money?" Ted replies, "No, it's to help them build character by earning their own money." Dilbert asks, "Oh, so your daughter is doing some selling from door-to-door?" Ted answers, "No, too dangerous. My wife and I are doing all the selling at work." Dilbert says, "Well, then aren't you only teaching your daughter to act helpless so other people will do her work?" Ted says angrily, "Just buy the stupid cookies!!" Dilbert asks, "Have you considered foster care for your kids?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 02, 1998's comic on:


Tags #nobel prize commitee, #theories, #understand, #science, #simpilist soultrion, #heories, #vote ourselves

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Nobel Prize Committee: The three guys with Albert Einstein hair look at a stack of papers and say, "Okay, we've narrowed it down to the theories we don't understand." One guy says, "In science, the simplest solution is usually the best. Which of these theories is the simplest solution?" The second guy says, "Well... that would be whatever is on top of the pile." The third guy says, "Are you SURE we can't vote for ourselves?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 14, 1994's comic on:


Tags #boyfriend/girlfreind, #buddies, #close freinds, #friends explined, #mans best freind, #platonic friends, #work friends

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"Friends Explained" "A Very Special 'Dilbert'." "Close friends." "May I borrow your gum?" "Sure, reach in and take what you need." "Buddies" "May I borrow your hammer?" "Why not use your forehead as usual?" "Work Friends" "So, how's your wife?" "Dead, same as last week." "Boyfriend/girlfriend (stereotypical view)" "Love." "Lust." "Boyfriend/girlfriend (modern correct view)" "Lust." "Television." "Platonic friends" "Television?" "Lust." "Man's Best Friend" "By my estimate there are 2.6 billion females who do NOT desire you." "Name them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 08, 1996's comic on:


Tags #minor edits, #product brochure, #causes hallucinations, #sterility, #positive spin, #greatest writing challenge, #same old sights, #great gift, #conscince, #three pager

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The Boss says to Tina the Tech Writer, "Tina, we need a few minor edits on our product brochure." Tina sits at her desk and thinks, "Minor? Uh-oh . . ." The Boss continues, "We've discovered that our product causes hallucinations and sterility." The Boss continues, "See if you can put a positive spin on that." Tina thinks, "This will be my greatest writing challenge yet." Tina types, "Are you tired of the same old sights? We've got you covered." Tina types, ". . . Makes a great gift for those people who - in your opinion - should not reproduce." Tina thinks, "Ooh . . . I feel a tiny pang of conscience. That's one." Dilbert asks, "So the brochure was only a three-panger?" Tina replies, "Yeah, and I think I faked the third one."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 17, 1997's comic on:


Tags #uncertainty, #anxiety, #Wally, #no strength, #reorganzie, #downsize, #merger, #sarcasm, #cynicism

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Wally is driving to work. He thinks, "I have a vague feeling of uncertainty." At work Wally thinks, "It gets stronger at the office." Wally loses his balance and thinks, "The uncertainty saps my strength. My suitcase is getting heavier." Wally crawls on the floor and says, "Must.. get... to... cubicle." Wally leans back in his chair. He thinks, "The uncertainty feels like a piano on my chest." The Boss looks in on him. The Boss says, "I decided to reorganize... or downsize, unless there's a merger." Wally waves his arms about. Wally says, "I summon the unholy demons of Apathy, Sarcasm, and Cynicism!" Wally is surrounded by devils and demons. He says, "Good thinking! Reorganizations always increase profits!" The Boss thinks, "Wow. Third time today."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 17, 1998's comic on:


Tags #pompous airbag, #deflate, #arrogance, #tricvia, #intelligence, #elbonia, #wet laundry, #chewy casserole

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Dogbert stands outside of a cubicle with a memo in hand and asks, "Are you the pompous airbag of the office?" Man in the cubicle answers, "Indeed." Dogbert says to the man, "I've been asked to deflate you." Dogbert continues, "My sources tell me that you combine arrogance with trivia and try to pass it off as intelligence." The man exclaims, "That's because I'm surrounded by fools who don't even know the capital of Elbonia!" Dogbert displays the memo to the man and says, " I have a signed statement from your wife..." Dogbert continues, "...that you put wet laundry in the oven last night." The man looks into his computer screen while thinking to himself, "That explains the chewy casserole she served me this morning."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 10, 2002's comic on:


Tags #conversations banned, #talk about work, #applies work hours, #home, #Family, #sleeping, #harsh rules, #evil director, #human resources, #business

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Headline: To: Employees From: Catbert. Catbert types, "All non-work conversations are banned." Catbert continues typing, "From now on you're only allowed to talk about work." An employee is eating dinner at home with his family. All of his children are asleep at the table. His wife says, "I think it only applies during work hours." The employee responds, "I can't take that chance."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 09, 2003's comic on:


Tags #management retreat, #hawaii, #how many employees, #down size, #pay of trip, #against helicopter ride

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The boss: "The management retreat in Hawaii was productive." "We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip." Ted: "Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 01, 2003's comic on:


Tags #too much work, #give too much work, #blame others, #angry, #its all you!

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"Alice, your problem is that you take on too much work." "The problem is that you GIVE me too much work!" "Your second problem is that you blame others, and your third problem is that you're always angry." "GAAA!! IT'S ALL YOU!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2004's comic on:


Tags #sublet space, #business case, #risks and drivers, #changed mind

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Dilbert: "We only have two people on the third floor. Let's move them to our empty cubes here and sublet the space." The Boss: "Write a business case with all the risks and business drivers and I'll consider it." Dilbert: "I changed my mind. We shouldn't so anything." The boss: "I need a business case for that, too."