Computer Software Comic Strips - Page 82
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870 Results for Computer Software
View 811 - 820 results for computer software comic strips. Discover the best "Computer Software" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday December 27,
2015
Tags sales personnel, salesman, sales, honesty, deception, stragegy, sociopath, lying, lie, business
Transcript
Man: I need you to join me on a sales call to tell my customer how easy it will be to switch to our software. Dilbert: It isn't easy. Man: This is a sales call. All you need to do is say everything will be easy. Dilbert: What happens when they find out it isn't easy? Man: They won't find out until after they pay us. Dilbert: What will you do when they complain? Man: I'll tell your boss you misled them. Dilbert: Not if I warn him first! Man: Too late. I already told him you're a liar.
Saturday January 16,
2016
Unexpected Things Happen
Sunday January 31,
2016
Tags laziness, work ethic, excuse, paradox, logic
Transcript
Boss: How's the software coming along? Wally: We're in the Zeno's paradox phase of the project. Boss: The what? Wally: It means every step we take gets us halfway closer to launch. Boss: Can you keep up that pace? Wally: I'm hoping it will look that way. Boss: Is Zeno's paradox a real thing? Dilbert: You'll find out. Narrator: Next Week. Boss: How's your project? Wally: Halfway closer than last week.
Sunday March 06,
2016
Tags insult, offense, engineer, programmer, coding, anger, technology, engineering
Transcript
Man: How's the software coming? Alice: Still waiting for you to give me the specs so I can start. Man: I already told you it's a cloud app that does data. Hey, I can't do your job for you. You have to meet me halfway. Aren't you supposed to be "agile?" I mean, how hard is it to rearrange zeroes and ones all day? Should I ask again tomorrow? Alice: Sure, if you're alive.
Sunday March 13,
2016
Tags managing, work ethic, laziness, deception, trick
Transcript
Boss: IS the software done yet? Wally: That depends. Do you have any new feature requests? Boss: Only three. Wally: Then it's not done, is it? Boss: Well, no, I guess not. So... when will it be done? Wally: It will be done one week after you give me your last changes. But I believe you taught us that change is good. So either you can be a stagnant bureaucrat or a dynamic leader with lots of changes. It's a question of free will, really. Boss: I have to be somewhere else.
Sunday May 01,
2016
Tags election, voting, technology, fraud, cheating, vote, Politics
Transcript
Boss: We won a contract to write software for voting machines. Dilbert: Who do you want to be president? Boss: Why do you ask? Dilbert: Because I want you to be happy. Boss: You're implying that you plan to fudge the system. Dilbert: I'm not implying anything like that. Obviously, it will be easy to fudge the data, and we are far happier when you're in a good mood. But I would never commit a crime just because it is good for ma and totally undetectable. Boss: Okay, good. Dilbert: So who do you want to win and by how much?
Monday April 18,
2016
Government Wants Access To Data
Tags national security, privacy, technology, big business, terrorism
Transcript
CEO: The government wants us to make software that can unlock the encrypted data of our users. Either we choose privacy or national security. Should we betray our customers or should we enable terrorists? Figure out which one is more profitable and get back to me. Boss: On it.
Tuesday April 19,
2016
For The Good Of The Country
Tags apple, iphone, technology, national security, privacy, terrorism, encryption
Transcript
Boss: The government wants us to make software to crack our own encryption. Dilbert: That sounds evil. Boss: It's for the good of the country. Dilbert: Can I test it on your phone? Boss: You'd have to kill me first. Dilbert: That would be two good things for the country.
Friday April 22,
2016
Elbonian Messenger
Tags secret, security, national security, information, human error, spying, encryption, technology, trust, espionage
Transcript
Elbonian: I am the totally legitimate Elbonian bicycle messenger you called to deliver your encryption-breaking software. Boss: Hmmm... that's exactly what a terrorist would say. Elbonian: No I wouldn't. Boss: Just checking. Here's the flash drive.
Sunday June 26,
2016
Tags goals, accomplishment, consciousness, death, achievement, medical
Transcript
Dilbert: Do you have any long-term goals? Wally: Just death. Dilbert: Death isn't a goal. Wally: It's the best kind. This way, I can go out as a winner. With my last breath, I plan to do a fist pump and yell, "I did it!" What's your long-term plan? Dilbert: I plan to use brain imaging technology to map my mind. Then I'll create a digital copy of myself to live forever in a software simulation. Unless I already did. Wally: Give yourself a fist pump, just in case.

