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Boss: Experts say you'll be more engaged if you have a friend at work. And when you're engaged, I can pay you less and you won't quit. Dilbert: So this guy is costing me money? Wally: Don't flatter yourself. I barely know your name.
Boss: You missed all of your goals. Dilbert: Because of poor management. I'll go into more detail when I do my 360-degree review of you. Boss: I meant to say you're doing great. Dilbert: That's what I meant to say too.
Dilbert: Our boss injected me with job performance enhancing drugs. Wally: Job performance be gone! Apparently, I can do that now. Asok: I must find more disciples.
Boss: Our consultant has recommended a company-wide transformation to make us more competitive. Dilbert: Is it a coincidence that consultants always recommend solutions that pay their firms the most? Boss: How would I know? Dogbert: I'll look into that for you.
Wally: I've been a slacker my entire career, but now I want more out of life. My plan is to listen to podcasts while I drink coffee and search the Internet for fun. Dilbert: Multi-slacking? Wally: Wish me luck.
Dogbert: I like a lot of things about being rich, but I like the income inequality the best. It makes me happy to know that my net worth is about a thousand times more than yours. Dilbert: It's actually closer to 800 times my net worth. Dogbert: You ruined it!!!
Dilbert: Do you know what venture capitalists care about when they make investment decisions? They care about the reputation of the angel investors who already put money in. DO you know what the angel investors care about? They care about the skill of the engineers. Therefore, you should give me a huge raise or else I'll quit and do my own start -up. BOSS: GO ahead you big chicken. Your going to die poor! HAHAHA!! Dilbert: That was harsh. Boss: and yet you didn't resign . any more questions?
CEO: We need to act more like a start-up. Dilbert: You mean we can ask for funding for one thing and then pivot six times and build something entirely different? CEO: Is there a version where we don't do any of that and I can still call myself a hacker?
Coworker: Tradition requires you to disparage every technology decision made before you got involved. But please be gentle with your criticism of my software. It's like my baby. Dilbert: If you mean your software is a useless blob that consumes resources and soils itself, we are in agreement.