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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #different religions, #flexible, #change relgion, #whole religion, #based on not dating, #Sunday, #Dogbert

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A woman at a desk tells Dilbert, "I'm flattered. But I can't date you because we're different religions." Dilbert says, "I'm flexible. I'd change my religion to get a date." The woman replies, "It wouldn't work in this case." Dilbert sits on the couch and asks Dogbert, "Did you know there's a whole religion based on not dating me?" Dogbert asks, "Where do you think I go every Sunday?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #quality school, #quality black master, #title metaphoric, #breakout session, #pre course reading

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The Boss tells Wally, "After I graduate from 'Quality School' I'll be a quality black-belt master." Wally asks, "Is the title metaphoric, or is there a chance you'll be beaten senseless during a breakout session?" The Boss slices the air with his hands as if he were practicing karate and thinks, "Zip zip zip zip." The Boss hits Wally and knocks him to the floor. Wally asks, "Was that necessary?" The Boss replies, "I'm not sure. I haven't done the pre-course reading yet."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ratbert the consulatant, #existing computer, #new one, #new system, #devastating, #paid exactly the same

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Ratbert and Dilbert sit at a table. Ratbert says, ". . . Then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one." Dilbert asks, "What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating?" Ratbert says, "Let me check my contract . . . Nope. I get paid exactly the same." Dilbert says, "Yeah, same here."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ntern, #elbonian data base, #installing, #bad movies, #password

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Ratbert sits at a desk. Asok stands behind him and asks, "I am only an intern, but may I make a suggestion?" Asok says, "The Elbonian database system you're installing for our company will never work . . . Unless I rewrite the entire thing with just six keystrokes . . . Done." Ratbert says, "I thought this was only possible in bad movies." Asok says, "Hey, let's hack into NATO's system. I can guess their password in three tries."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #intranet web page, #mother visit, #mpeg file, #video of birth, #html, #covered video, #fire wall, #nick name, #dilberts mother

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Dilbert's mother sits on the couch drinking tea and Dilbert sits on the chair across from her. Dilbert says, "I spent all week tweaking HTML for my Intranet Web page. You should see it, Mom." Dilbert continues, "I converted the video of my birth into an MPEG file. Anyone behind the fire wall can view it." Dilbert continues, "You should hear the nickname they have for you at work!" Dilbert's mother replies, "You should hear the one I have for you right now."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #need secreatry, #six months now ork, #too busy, #secretary needs secreatry

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Carol, the Boss's secretary, tells him, "I need my own secretary. I'm too busy to help you unless I get some support." The Boss replies, "Too busy? You haven't done any work for me in six months." Carol says, "Oh, suddenly this is about YOU?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #negotiate, #telecommuting, #ratbert illogical things, #drains will, #unproductive things, #will to argue

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Dilbert approaches the Boss's desk and says, "I"m here to negotiate for more telecommuting days." Ratbert sits on Dilbert's head. Dilbert points to him and tells the Boss, "My negotiating strategy is to have Ratbert say such illogical things that it drains your will to argue." The Boss says, "You can't work at home because you might do unproductive things there." Ratbert says, "I've lost my will to argue."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #spelled wrong, #technical recommendation, #boss doubts dilbert, #obver shoulder, #computer, #technology

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The Boss stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "I studied your technical recommendation and decided it's impossible." Dilbert replies, "I already did it." The Boss says, "It will never work." Dilbert replies, "It's working perfectly." The Boss points to the document and says, "You spelled this word wrong." Dilbert says, "That's a number."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boredom, #conference room, #dead emplyee, #employee of the week, #headcount down

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The Boss carries a dead body over his shoulder. He tells Dilbert, "I found another dead employee in the conference room." Dilbert looks shocked. The Boss continues, "I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him!" The Boss thinks, "It looks like I found my 'Employee of the Week.'"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business plan, #disarray, #three hour lunch, #turn around, #distinguish, #dedication, #insanity

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Wally stands behind Alice's desk and says, "Alice, our business plan is in complete disarray so we're taking a three-hour lunch. Want to join us?" Alice replies, "No, I've got to work harder than ever to turn this situation around!" Wally and Dilbert put their coats on and leave. Wally tells Dilbert, "Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between dedication and insanity." Dilbert asks, "Which one are we?"