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Wally: Can I create my own job? I hear people do that. They figure out what they are good at and then they create a job around it. I'm more of a strategic thinker than a worker bee. My job could be to attend meetings and say strategic things. And, of course, I would have no time to respond to email because I'd be busy being strategic. Boss: It feels as if you want a job that doesn't involve work. Wally: Would you trust a strategic thinker who can't solve his own problems?
Salesman: I'll start our negotiation by setting the anchor price at... Dilbert: Five dollars. Salesman: Um, I was going to say $27,500, but you beat me to the anchor, and now I can't help thinking the fair price is closer to $5. How does an engineer know more about the intricacies of my job than I do? Dilbert: I had five minutes and a browser.
Boss: You're a perfect employee in many ways. Dilbert: I am? Boss: For example, you have excellent technical skills. Dilbert: That's true. Boss: And your attendance is perfect. Dilbert: Yes, it is. Boss: And you are too risk-averse to quit and start your own company. Dilbert: What? Boss: Plus, you have no social life to interfere with work.Dilbert: Are these still compliments? Boss: Combine all of that with your irrational need for approval, and it makes you a code-writing puppet. Did I already say you're underpaid? Dilbert: Stop complimenting me!
Alice: What do you want now? Dilbert: Experts say leaders should surround themselves with people they admire and be generous with praise. Alice, I admire your hard work and intellect. Alice: Stop it! This is creepy! Dilbert: I admire your focus and your determination. Alice: Gaaa!!! Stop admiring me! My skin is crawling! Dilbert: I admire your honesty! Alice: Blech! Wally: Do you feel more like a leader now? Dilbert: Yes, in the sense that people hate me.
How To Eat Lunch. Dilbert: Lunch? Alice: Sure. Where do you want to go? Dilbert: Well, let's see... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... Alice: You're slow. Let me check! Dilbert: No... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... Alice: No... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... no... Dilbert: No... no... no... no... no... no... Alice: How about this... No, bad review. Dilbert: How about this... No, they have no tables. [45 Minutes Later] Alice: Show me food! Dilbert: Food! Food! Food! Boss: Time to make some billion-dollar decisions. Dilbert: I'm going feral!
Boss: When do you think you can get that done for me? Dilbert: Depends. If I had no interruptions, I could finish in four hours. But we have to factor in the inefficiency of your management. For example, you're likely to give me six new projects before I get started on this one. And you force me to work in ta noisy office surrounded by all the people I need to avoid to get work done. Given all of that, I'd say it will take seven months. Boss: I'll give you three months because I'm a leader. Dilbert: Oookay. And... how much of the three months will involve you standing there?
Boss: Our CEO wants to promote you to Chief Economist because nothing you say makes sense. He thinks that's the sign of a great economist. Wally: It totally is. Boss: Say something smart. Wally: Whoa! I don't want to create an oversupply of wisdom.
Wally The Chief Economist. Tina: My interview with you is live on the website. Nothing you said made sense, so I strung together a bunch of economic jargon and called it your forecast. One Month Later. Computer: Only one economist accurately predicted when this bubble would burst. Dilbert: Uh-oh.
Boss: Tina complained that your foul language is creating a hostile work environment. Alice: That's ridiculous. Words are totally harmless. Tell Tina she can... [Ten Seconds Later. The boss is twitching] Okay, I see it now.
Boss: On your list of accomplishments, you say you filed seventeen patents for the company this month. Wally: I did. Here's the documentation on each of them. Boss: Hmm... it will be three years before I know if these are accepted. Wally: Until then, let's play it safe and assume I'm awesome.