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Dilbert: Hi my name is... woman: Dont bother My app does facial recognition and searches all social media to give me your full biography. Dilbert: hows that working out? You're either Bart Simpson or a huge dry erase marker.
Job interview Woman says, "I detect the flop sweat of desperation." Woman says, "I base my hiring decisions on who would make a good mate, and I would never want to give life to your sweaty baby." Woman says, "Do you see what I'm saying?" crumple Dilbert says, "Can I try again when I'm dehydrated?"
Dilbert works in collections Dilbert says, "Please listen while I read this threatening script." Dilbert says, "I have hidden poisonous spiders in your home. If you pay us now by credit card I will give you the antidote." Dilbert says, "Okay, fine" Dilbert says, "But if you feel a tickle on your leg, give me a call."
the boss says, "You're hired, but company policy requires me to post the job opening internally before it's official." Man says, "Are you saying your company policy requires you to lie to employees and give them false hope?" The boss says, "Exactly." Man says,. "That's cruel." The boss says, "In six months you'll wish you had some false hope too."
Topper Carol says, "My first baby weighed 12 pounds. I gave birth in the cap of a stolen backhoe." Topper says, "That's nothing!" Topper says, "I once passed a gallstone so big that it became secretary of labor in the Clinton administration." Carol says, "I find that hard to believe." Topper says, "Give me ten minutes and then check wikipedia."
Catbert: Evil director of human resources Wally says, "According to the news, everyone in power is corrupt." Catbert says, "So?" Wally says, "If you give me a 20% raise, I'll kick back half to you." Catbert says, "Done." Dilbert says, "How did you afford a new vest in this economy? Crime?" Wally says, "I'm dabbling."
The boss says, "I can't give you a bonus because another division had huge losses." Dilbert says, "Remind me again why my bonus is tied to the performance of strangers?" The boss says, "I shouldn't tell you this, but we model our compensation program after practical jokes."
Man says, "Welcome to Eddy's school of anger management. I'm Eddy." You Man says, "I was once like you: Angry at every idiot in the world." Group says, "How'd you stop being angry at idiots?" Man says, "I created a school so they'd give me money while I insulted them."
Dilbert says, "I see my job as giving you the information you need to make the right decision." Carol says, "I see your job as e-mailing me links to web sites full of stale and incomplete information." Dilbert says, "Can we go back to pretending I'm useful?" Carol says, "Sure. I'll give you a pity listen."