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The Boss says, "Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale." Alice stands in her cubicle and replies, "Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism!" The Boss says, "I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four times a year." Alice says, "I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan."
Catbert stands on the Boss's desk and says, "Morale is low because the employees are underpaid." Catbert continues, "You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback." Catbert clenches his teeth and thinks, "The hardest part is keeping a straight face." The Boss says, "Tell me again why I'd want morale to be high?"
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our senior vice president will be dropping in today." The Boss holds up a chart showing "lies" and "boss level." He says, "Remember to increase your lies accordingly." The Boss holds up a chart showing "details" and "boss level." He says, "And decrease the details you provide." The Boss continues, "If I think you're being too informative, I'll signal by fidgeting." The Boss continues, "Just say everything is fine, but we need more funding. Here he comes." The senior VP stands in the doorway and says, "Sorry I'm late. How is everyone?" Wally replies, "I'm not saying." Dilbert replies, "I'm fine, but I need more funding." Alice replies, "I have a wide variety of super powers." The senior VP thinks, "I feel a sudden, urgent need to unload my stock options." The Boss waves his arms and thinks, "Fidget fidget."
Dilbert lies on the couch reading a magazine and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dogbert says, "I'm going to use bad grammar more often." Dogbert continues, "My leadership will change the language through the principle of common usage." Dogbert continues, "And I won't stop until the entire language is reduced to grunting and pointing! Buwaha ha ha!!" Dilbert says, "I really got ripped off by that dog obedience school."
Catbert peers over the wall and says, "Hey, Wally . . . Big layoffs coming." Catbert continues, "I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret." Catbert says, "Sadly, cats don't keep secrets very well." Ted says to Wally, "Nice chair."
The Boss sits at his desk and says into the telephone, "This voice mail message is for the whole department." The Boss continues, "Every morning from now on you'll get my 'Quality Thought of the Day.'" The Boss continues, "Today's thought is . . . Um . . ." The Boss looks in a desk drawer and continues, "Let's see . . . According to Webster's dictionary . . ." The Boss continues, "Aardvark is a burrowing African mammal that eats ants." The Boss continues, "What if we were more like that?" Dilbert sits at his desk listening to the message. The Boss continues, "I mean like the aardvark, not the ants . . ." Alice looks at her phone. The Boss stands by the printer thinking, "That's weird. Every time I leave my Quality Thought of the Day, the shared printer starts spewing resumes." Dilbert and Wally peek around the corner.
The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "It's time to do peer performance reviews!" The Boss continues, "Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you!" Wally says to Dilbert, "I plan to say very nice things about YOU." Dilbert replies, "Nice try, weasel boy." The Boss thinks as he walks away, "Managing is easy when you hate the employees."
The Boss tells Dilbert, "I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon." The Boss continues, "But this morning I'm helping my daughter sell cub girl cookies." The Boss continues, "For your shopping convenience I have assigned a name to each volume level." Dilbert reads, "Zero to four boxes is the 'downsizer' volume . . ." Dilbert reads, "Five to eight boxes is the 'low performer' volume level." Dilbert writes on the order form and says, "Let's say six hundred boxes." The Boss says, "Ahh . . . The 'fast tracker.' An excellent choice." Dilbert asks, "What's your daughter's name?" The Boss says, "Ooh . . . Gotta go." Wally says, "I only bought twelve boxes. Now I'm the 'United Way' chairperson." Dilbert says, "I just signed your name for six hundred more."
Dilbert sits in a chair reading and Dogbert sits on his legs. Dogbert asks, "Do you see 'time' as a sequence of discrete events or simply a line of perception through infinite possibilities?" Dilbert answers, "I see 'Time' as more of a magazine." Dogbert says, "You know these moments we have together - we really must have them less often." Dilbert says, "Ask me about 'Life.'"
The Boss enters the office kitchen and reaches for the coffeepot. He thinks, "He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make more." A devil carrying a spoon appears and shouts, "I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light! I darn you to heck!!!" The Boss looks surprised and says, "Phil?" Phil says to the Boss, "You were always mom's golden boy." The Boss looks in the refrigerator and says, "Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon."