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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #earned 100 million, #senior management, #unexpended stock options, #incentivized

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CEO: "Tomorrow I'll tell the stockholders that we earned $100 million!" dilbert: "Will you tell them that you gave all of their profits to senior management in the form of unexpensed stock options?" "We had to be incentivized." "So you wouldn't take their furniture, too?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stock guy, #conflicts of interest, #knocked out, #fist down throat, #violence, #crime

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Alice: I didn't like the way he was looking at me. The Boss: "This isn't good." "He was the only stock analyst who had a "buy" recommendation on our company." Alice: "I think we're a "hold" now." The Boss: "Where will we find another one with so much conflict of interest??!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #information promised, #ignored request, #squadron, #military squirrels, #plausible lie, #giant military squirrels, #secret lair

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Wally and Dilbert are walking down the hall. Dilbert says, "There's Ted. He never sent me the information he promised." Wally and Dilbert stop when they come up to Ted. Dilbert asks, "Why have you ignored my request, Ted?" Ted says, "I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels." Wally tells Dilbert, that "He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie." Dilbert screams, "I demand a PLAUSIBLE lie!" Ted responds, "Okay, maybe I WASN'T killed by giant military squirrels." Ted continues, "But I WAS imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth." Wally and Dilbert are walking away. Wally: "You can't prove that one either way." Dilbert: "He did say it was a "secret" lair."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #last bullet point, #bullet point, #admit wrong, #alice heard wrong, #boss has to admit wrong

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Alice has just presented a document to the Boss. As the Boss reads it, he tells her, "Remove that last bullet point. It's stupid." Alice gasps. Alice crosses her arms and says, "Yesterday, you told me to add that bullet point." She continues, "So either you were wrong today or you were wrong yesterday." The Boss ponders this. Alice pokes her head out of the Boss' office to tell the other workers, "Everyone come quickly! He has to admit he's wrong!" Dilbert and Asok sprint down the hall. Wally's head pops up from behind his cubicle wall, elated. Once the other employees are gathered around her, Alice cues the Boss, "Say it." The Boss responds, "Alice heard me wrong yesterday." Alice is furious as everyone continues to stand around her. Wally says, "It takes a big man to admit Alice is wrong." Asok, cupping his hands to his mouth, yells, "Can you hear us Alice?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #positive attitude alice, #coworker, #paper weight, #throws at head, #clocks head, #positive attitude

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Alice works at her computer. The Boss says, "It's 'positive attitude week,' Alice." The Boss hands Alice a paperweight. The Boss says, "If you see a co-worker with a positive attitude..." The Boss says, "...give him the positive attitude paperweight." A man walks down the hall whistling, as Alice cocks her arm with the paperweight. Alice says, "There's one!" The paperweight glances of the man's head. Alice says to The Boss, "It worked. He's back to normal. The man says, "#$!!" Wally says, "Ha Ha Ha!!" Alice thinks, "Uh-oh." The man says, "#$!!" Alice says to the boss, "One more! Quick!!" The Boss covers his eyes in frustration.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #seven silo teams, #merge them, #coherent plan, #mutually exclusive, #deciding startegy, #losers, #silo teams

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The boss is following Dilbert to a desk. The boss says, "Here are the strategies from our seven silo teams." They sit down and the boss says, "Your job is to merge them into a coherent company plan." Dilbert says, "These are all mutually exclusive." Dilbert continues... "I'd have to totally change them to make them coherent." Dilbert goes on... "In effect, I would be deciding the strategy for the entire company." The boss says, "That's okay." Dilbert replies, "It is?" The boss walks off thinking, "No one ever reads it anyway." Dilbert, at his computer thinks, "I feel sorry for those losers on the silo teams."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dogbert consultsincentivize the resources, #grow bandwidth, #end state vision, #kimono, #consult and blabbery, #core competencies, #brain dump

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Dogbert consults. Incentivize the resources to grow within their bandwidth to your end-state vision. "Don't open the Kimono until you ping the change agent for brain dump and drill down to your core competencies." "Confused look...huge invoice...this man is a victim of consult and blabbery."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #underperforming, #;i've volcano, #problem solved, #underperformed, #pumiced, #evil, #yet amusing

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"Your CEO was underperforming, so I convinced him to bungee jump into a live volcano. Problem solved." "Well, he underperformed and he got punished." "Pumiced, actually." "Evil, yet amusing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #100 million, #dental plan, #not effective, #major corporation

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Dogbert's Executive Search Firm "How would you like to be the CEO of a major corporation?" "You'd be paid $100 million per year just for showing up." "I'd have to see the dental plan." "He's not very effective during the day."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #board meeting, #dipping employees, #varnish, #voted to fire you, #100 million, #1 million year

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Ratbert the CEO "The board has learned that you've been dipping employees in varnish and using them as office furniture." "We voted to fire you. Your severence package includes $100 million, the corporate jet, perpetual benefits and a salary of $1 million per year." "Bu-ya!" "He's taking it well."