Next Years Award Comic Strips - Page 87
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dilbert wearing face mask: did you know you can just refuse to do things that are stupid, and it will be okay? tina: i don't believe that. dilbert: it's true! i've been testing it all week. tina: take a video next time you do it so i can see how. dilbert: no, that's stupid.
boss: how confident are you in your analysis? dilbert: very confident. boss: good. dilbert: unless i used the wrong discount rate, which is hard to know. boss: but otherwise, it's solid? dilbert: except for the installation and maintenance costs, which are wild guesses. and we don't know if we sized the project right, so costs could be double or triple. boss: it sounds as if you applied math to a bunch of wild guesses. dilbert: yes, but i got the result you wanted. boss: next time, just say that.
boss: what's the name of the month that comes after october? dilbert: november boss: that's what i thought. my wife is trying to gaslight me so she doesn't have to buy me a birthday present. dilbert: how long has she been doing that? boss: i thought i was 26 years old until just now.
wally: how long should i wait before responding to a text message from my boss? dilbert: that depends. are you already overworked? wally: um, sure. dilbert: do you need to teach him a lesson for any unrelated things he did? wally: always. dilbert: do you dislike him in general? wally: yes. dilbert: lastly, how many months until your next performance review? wally: seven. dilbert: okay....putting those inputs into my spreadsheet. you can wait 27 minutes before responding. wally: oh. i was hoping it would be closer to five days. dilbert: when did he text you? wally: i believe it was august.
dilbert sending text: are you available for a zoom call? dilbert thinking: he's typing something. nope, he stopped. okay, he's typing again. no, he stopped again. block of text: i'm available at 2 p.m. tomorrow, Thursday at 9 a.m., or next week any time after three, and now. dilbert sending text: perfect. how about now? dilbert thinking: answer coming. no, he stopped typing. ten minutes later: dilbert angry and yelling: answer me, you jerk!!! thirty minutes later: text answer: does now work? dilbert yelling: too late!!!
wally in doctor's office: i drink so much coffee that i developed a tolerance for it. do you have any kind of medical-grade coffee that could take me to the next level? doctor: yes, but it has terrible side effects. wally: skip the details and shove it in my veins.
boss: ted, i have to fire you for liking an unacceptable tweet seven years ago on twitter. ed: it..it..wasn't me. someone hacked my account, or maybe my finger slipped. boss: which lie do you want me to put in your file? ted: did either of them sound plausible?
dilbert and dogbert at home. dilbert: do you like my new t-shirt? it's two sizes too small, but that's all they had. dogbert: wouldn't it be better to buy shirts that you like that are also the right size? dilbert: in theory, yes. but i have been buying t-shirts for years, and i don't recall seeing that option.
boss and dilbert communicating on video conference call. dilbert: let's schedule a follow-up call. do you prefer zoom, FaceTime, signal, WhatsApp, or voice call? boss: zoom dilbert: how about next tuesday at 10 a.m. my time, which is 1 p.m. your time? boss: i'll be on the road then, so you 10 a.m. will be my noon. but that's after the time change. boss: and i can't remember if i'm going to a place that change their clocks. dilbert: why don't we skip the whole thing because the call we are scheduling probably won't be any more useful than this one. boss: let us never speak of this again.
boss: when i say we need to reimagine your job, it means we no longer need anyone to do what you have been doing. ted: do you mind if i ask when you first realized that my job was totally unnecessary? boss: it was four years ago, but you seemed happy, and we had the budget to pay you, so...