New Employee Comic Strips - Page 87
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1000 Results for New Employee
View 861 - 870 results for new employee comic strips. Discover the best "New Employee" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday September 28,
2003
Tags employee moral survey, open, honest, communication from management, death spiral, looting comaony, noise, fishing lures, e, ploys suffer, boss likes hurting, sick boss, negative force
Transcript
"I have the results of the employee morale survey." "The number one issue is 'not enough open and honest communication from management.'" "Well, okay. I'm willing to give that a try." "Management is looting the company while hiding the fact that we're in a death spiral." "Whenever you talk, I think about fishing lures until the noise stops." "When I see an employee suffer, it excites me in ways I don't understand." "On nine separate occasions I've fired bald guys because I thought they were you." "If this doesn't work for you. Let me know on next employee morale survey."
Friday August 29,
2003
Tags magic management, doubted powers, single employee, hard at work
Transcript
Wally: Tinkle tinkle tinkle. "Boss approaching." The Boss: "Thanks for the magic management necklace! I have to admit that I doubted its powers." The Boss: "But since I've been wearing it, I haven't seen a single employee who wasn't hard at work."
Tuesday August 26,
2003
Tags million lines of code, irrelevent data, key your car, no choice
Transcript
The Boss: "Our new product has half a million lines of code!" "Translation: there's nothing good about this product, so you hope I'm impressed by irrelevant data." "Now available in ecru!" "You leave me no choice but to key your car on the way out."
Sunday August 24,
2003
Tags boss, touched by new hire, cry, hired, special skill, identifying good people, part instinct, favorite color
Transcript
Man: "When I'm not helping team members, I like to feed the poor or read to blind people." "I don't care about money. All I want is a chance to help humanity reach its fullest potential." The Boss: "You're so wonderful. It's making me cry! You're hired." Man: "Excellent." The Boss: "Come meet the team." "I have a special skill for identifying good people." "It's part instinct, part experience." "And yes, maybe just a little ESP." "Watch this." "Alice, your favorite color is...mitten?"
Wednesday August 20,
2003
Tags scolded by employee, boss late, dumb move, irish line dancing, mail document, late bid
Transcript
Dilbert: "And you failed at your primary objective of winning a bid for the galatikus job." "That's because you said you'd deliver the bid on time, but you got seduced by Irish line-dancing lessons and forgot to mail it!" The Boss: "I can't believe you're trying to pin the blame on the Irish."
Thursday August 14,
2003
Tags billion dollar product line, designed and launched, meets expectations, high expectations, worng
Transcript
"Alice, this year you single-handedly designed and launched a billion dollar line of new products." "For that accomplishment, I give you the highly coveted 'meets expectations' designation!" "Alice, if having high expectations of you is wrong, then I don't want to be right."
Thursday August 07,
2003
Tags new server, condescending simple version, full technical explination, early covislaizations, no concept of zero
Transcript
The Boss: Tell me why you need a new server. and don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. Dilbert: Early civilizations had no concept of zero. The Boss: Go on.
Monday July 28,
2003
Tags new ad campiagn, music from artsits, willing to sell out, dead musicians, not descomposed
Transcript
Our new as caiman willies familiar music from artists who are willing to sell out. Due to budget cuts, we'll limit our search to musicians who are dead but not yet totally decomposed. MAKEUP!!!!
Sunday July 27,
2003
Tags surplussed ted, absorb function, 2 jobs one salary, absorb his funtion, osmosis, symbiosis, syneregy, key learning, tragic series, monkey brained
Transcript
"I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function." "Absorb his function?" "Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary?" "No, I'm telling you to absorb his function.. in an absorptive fashion." "..Using osmosis, symbiosis, and synergy." "Can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things?" "I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a.. a.." "Tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes?" "Key learning."
Tuesday July 22,
2003
Tags mandatory online training, system crashed, retake training
Transcript
"You're the only one who hasn't finished the mandatory online six sigma training." "I finished it, but the system crashed before it stored my data." "This is when you say, 'There's no need to retake the training. I'll just check off your name.'" "Are you new on this planet?"

