Alice Sits Boss Comic Strips - Page 87
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Wally: I can't work for a boss who doesn't trust me to work independently! Boss: Is this a preemptive strike so I won't ask why you didn't turn in a project update? Wally: And more distrust. How do you live with yourself?
Boss: The company is considering moving from cubicles to an open workspace environment. Dilbert: Great idea. Can we add some crying babies and the sound of water dripping? Boss: You're being stupid. Dilbert: Maybe I'll be smarter when I have more distractions.
Dilbert: Can you look at this bid and let me know if I can order the hardware? Boss: yes. Dilbert: Are you saying yes I can order the hardware, or yes you'll look at it? Boss: Mumble mumble. Dilbert: What? Boss: I need your input on my Powerpoint deck. Dilbert: So far, in response to my request, you've given me ambiguity, mumbling, and a change of subject. Would you prefer that I badger you for an answer until you get angry, or should I return to my cubicle and resume being ineffective? Boss: You ask too many questions.
Boss: We need to communicate less with other departments. The more they know about us, the more they criticize what we do. Dilbert: Is this part of your larger war on knowledge? Boss: That was the last thing I'll ever tell you.
Boss: I want your honest opinions on my plan. Don't hold back anything. Asok: Does he mean that? Wally: Why don't you find out? Asok: Yes, I have some feedback. Your plan reminds me of what happens when a monkey eats a fermented fruit. He's all - ooh - ooh - ooh and then he falls out of the tree. ... Is that how he looks when he hears honesty? Wally: Beats me. I've never tried it.
Dilbert: We can manipulate the pointy-haired menace into picking the right plan by comparing it to the worst alternatives. Alice: But then we wouldn't get the full benefit of his wisdom. Dilbert: Is he behind me? Alice: It might be George Clooney. I can't tell them apart.
Boss: Avoid saying "unfortunately" when you talk to customers. Say instead, "as it turns out." That has a more positive feel. Dilbert: As it turns out, our power cables aren't as insulated as we had hoped.
Boss: We're buying an entire company just to get their engineers. Dilbert: Are you aware that slavery is illegal and the engineers are free to find jobs at better companies? Boss: I sure hope you're wrong about that.