Good Bye Lunch Comic Strips - Page 87

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #interviews, #career goals, #80 hours a week, #below - market, #compensation

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Job interview Interviewee: But enough about me. How can I help you achieve your career goals? Boss: You could work 80 hours a week for below-market compensation. Interviewee: I did not see that coming. Boss: Good. I need employees who can't see it coming. You're hired.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #gadgets, #mobile (cell) phones, #time travel, #rumour, #apple phone, #20 pixel camera, #picture of thoughts, #time machine, #future, #most handsome man, #android phone

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Dilbert: I heard a rumor that Apple's next phone will have a 20-megapixel camera. Topper: That's nothing! I heard you'll be able to hold the phone to your head and take a picture of your thoughts. And even that's nothing. Their next phone will be a time machine! Future Topper: Here I am from the future! I'm the most handsome man in the universe! Topper: So am I! Wally: He makes a good case for buying an Android phone. Both Toppers: I love me more than me. Topper hijack

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #emergency, #lostphone, #company id, #keys, #critical folder, #self generated crisi, #dead battery, #small brown purse

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Coworker: Emergency! I can't find my phone and I"m late for a customer meeting. Dilbert: Maybe it's with your company I.D. badge that you had to drive all the way home for this morning. Alice: It might be with your keys that you lost after lunch. Dilbert: Maybe it's under that critical folder that you couldn't find before your last meeting. Alice: Maybe it's wherever you created your last self-generated crisis. Coworker: I just remembered I put my phone in my purse because the battery is dead. Has anyone seen a small, brown purse?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boredom, #secretaries (office), #mindless and repetetive, #task, #spur creativity, #creative person, #dispose of body, #snide, #snarky

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Boss: Experts say that doing mindless and repetitive tasks is a good way to spur creativity. That means you must be the most creative person in the office. Did you come up with any ideas? Carol: Yup. So far, I've come up with over seven hundred ways to dispose of your body.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #actors & actresses, #ignorance (knowledge), #laziness, #opinions, #informed opinions, #hard data, #life is a lie

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Wally: I like to have opinions. But not informed opinions. It takes so much work to get informed that it defeats the whole point of having an opinion in the first place. Dilbert: What exactly do you think is the "point" of having an opinion? Wally: The point is that it feels good. Dilbert: That's totally nuts. Wally: Oh, is it? Unless you have hard data to back up that comment, it was nothing but an uninformed opinion. That felt good. Dilbert: Gaaa!!! You're starting to make sense! Wally: Your whole life is a lie.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business failures/bankruptcies, #gadgets, #competitor, #out of business, #next prodcut, #predictable mediocrity, #genius

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Boss: Good news! Our biggest competitor just went out of business! There was so much anticipation for their next product that no one bought the current one and they ran out of money. Alice: Our strategy of predictable mediocrity paid off again. Boss: It's okay to call it genius.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #death & dying, #death certificate, #staple on head, #no return messages

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Alice: You haven't returned any of my messages, so I took the liberty of making a death certificate for you. I'll just staple it to the back of your head so everyone can see it. Are we good here?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work ethic, #90 day performance plan, #low ambitions

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Boss: Ted, I'm putting you on a ninety-day performance improvement play. Ted: Yes!!! I've always dreamed of making it onto the performance improvement plan! Boss: It's not as good as it sounds. Ted: With all due respect, you don't know how low my ambitions are.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #biggest fault, #cubilces, #drawers, #honesty, #interviews, #job interview

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Boss: What would you say is your biggest fault? Interviewee: I like to sneak into people's cubicles and go through their drawers. I also tell the truth. It's not a good combination.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #suspicion, #assemble data, #boring work, #quality over quality, #poor politics, #office politics

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Boss: I need you to assemble a huge amount of totally incomprehensible data. Make it boring so no one looks at it too closely. I'm aiming for quantity over quality. Dilbert: I have a bad feeling about this. Boss: No one would pay you to feel good.