Don't Shoot Messenger Comic Strips - Page 88

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wolfgang, #legend, #spread rumor, #scacred, #hand up, #shake, #beard, #name, #plead, #bow, #software genius

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The Boss says, "I asked Wolfgang to join us." The Boss says, "He's a software genius, if not a legend." The Boss says, "He knows more than all of you put together." The Boss says, "Plus his name is Wolfgang." The Boss says, "Some say his talent is a genetic mutation. Others say that god speaks to him in Unix." The Boss says, "All we know for sure is that he glows, and he never needs to eat." The Boss says, "I feel a chill. It means he's appraoching." The Boss says, "Please don't reprogram my DNA and make me a monkey-man!!!" Wally says, "People make a lot of assumptions when you change your name to Wolfgang and stop shaving."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #job interview, #master plan, #identity theft, #look-alikes

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Wally says, "If I hire you, you'll get minimum wage to attend meetings and pretend you're me." Wally says, "My plan is to get hired for several jobs and replace myself with low-paid look-alikes in each one." Man says, "My plan is to bury you in a shallow grave and assume your identity." Wally says, "You don't interview well."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #tiger team, #boring job, #sarcastic, #yell, #mouth open, #tiger costumes, #moving junk

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The Boss says, "Carol, form a tiger team to move the junk from the small conference room." Carol says, "I'm glad you call it a tiger team so I don't feel sad that my job involves relocating junk." Carol says, "Could I be less happy right now?!!" The Boss says, "I ordered tiger costumes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting, #email, #laptop, #boring, #time suck hole, #yell, #thorough, #play music, #business

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Dilbert says, "I hope you don't mind if I do email during the boring parts of your meeting." Dilbert says, "I don't want to be dragged into your time suck hole." Coworker says, "You are kind of a time suck hole." Man 2 says, "I'm thorough!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #evil director of human resources, #payroll expenses low, #bad reviews, #employees, #defects, #list, #faults, #alphabetical, #business

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Catbert says, "We can keep our payroll expenses low by giving employees bad reviews." Catbert says, "Use this list of employee defects so you don't repeat yourself. It's less obvious this way." The Boss says, "Awkward, bumbling, cowardly, dumb?" Dilbert says, "My faults are suspiciously alphabetical."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work from home, #bathrobe, #distractions, #challenge, #determined, #gas leak, #sparks, #baby in wall, #ears up, #frustrated, #yell, #mouth open

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Dilbert says, "I'm working at home today so I can concentrate without any distractions." Dilbert says, "Please don't disturb me. Nothing is so important that it can't wait." Dogbert says, "I take that as a challenge." Dilbert says, "No, please..." Dogbert says, "Do you smell that?" Dogbert says, "I'm pretty sure it's a gas leak." Dogbert says, "Have you noticed that the lamp makes huge sparks every once in a while?" Dogbert says, "I wouldn't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Dogbert says, "I think I hear a baby trapped in the wall!" Dilbert says, "Get out of my head!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #good news, #raise fist, #wireless network, #bad news, #knowledge, #lack of understanding

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Boss says, "Good news! We won the bid to build a nationwide wireless network!" Dilbert says, "Bad news! We don't know how to build a nationwide wireless network!" Boss says, "It's wireless. How hard could it be to not install wires?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #email, #document, #attachment, #attitude, #cross arms, #care about time, #pay stub, #smile, #psychology

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Dilbert says, "Did you review the document I emailed?" Coworker says, "I don't read attachments." Coworker says, "Attachments say you don't care enough about my time to summarize a document." Dilbert says, "I brought my pay stub to prove that my time is worth more than yours." Coworker says, "Well-played."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cpg project, #confused, #leader, #team, #face front, #back, #walk away, #flippant, #useless, #forget, #frustrated, #angry, #comfort, #hand on shoulder, #shake, #clench teeth, #hair stand up, #business

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The Boss says, "How's the CPG project coming along?" Dilbert says, "How would I know?" The Boss says, "You're leading that project." Dilbert says, "I am? Since when?" The Boss says, "I told everyone on the team two months ago." Dilbert says, "I'm not on the team. You never told me." The Boss says, "Whatever, go tell the team you've been in charge for the past two months and see what they've accomplished." The Boss says, "Who is on the team?" The Boss says, "I forget. I think one had dark hair. And another one was sad." The Boss says, "Don't tell them there's a duplicate project in another division." Wally says, "You'll be okay. Just release the caring. Let it go."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #human resources, #evil director, #employee, #morale, #high, #happy, #overpaid, #nature, #yell, #clouds, #unhappy, #hands clasped, #business

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "I'm getting reports that your morale is too high." Catbert says, "Happiness is nature's way of informing human resources that you're overpaid." Employee says, "Nature wants me to be unhappy?" Catbert says, "Don't blame me. Go yell at the clouds."