Know Every Tragedy Comic Strips - Page 88

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #overall startegy, #never ask questiom, #hear the answer

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How does my project fit into our company's overall strategy? "Beats me. I didn't even know we had a strategy." "Never ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer." "That's why I never say 'How are you?'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #unpaid overtime, #death, #deny pleasures, #good night kiss, #this thing, #medical

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"You know what two things are very similar?" "Unpaid overtime and death. They both deny me the pleasures of being alive." "How about a good night kiss?" "Hey, you found a third thing!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #malfeasance, #abandoned warehouse, #beneficiary, #life insurance

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I'm afraid that my boss will try to kill me because I know about his malfeasance. "I recommend that you ask to meet him alone at an abandoned warehouse." "It was a mistake to name you the beneficiary on my life insurance policy." "Remember to insult his goons."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #take the chair, #don't sell chairs, #sell hope, #hope of chairs, #ship in 2 months, #call and yell, #buy a chair

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SALE "I'll take that chair." "Excellent choice." "Now sit there quietly and try not to ask the one question that will kill this sale." "Is the chair in stock?" "GAAA!!!" "The truth is that we don't sell chairs at all. We sell the hope that a chair will someday be made for you." "How long will that take?" "If I could answer that question, it would be the same as selling you an actual chair." "How about if I tell you it will ship in two months, and you call and yell at me every three months for eternity?" "Did you buy a chair?" "There's no way to know."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #faq for wedsite, #anticipate questions, #questionaire

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I hired Mr. Dogbert to write the F.A.Q. for our web site. "The key is to anticipate our customers' most likely questions." "Question 1: Where does your CEO live? I need to know so I can throw your cruddy project through his biggest window."

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"Wally, I've been watching you for half an hour and you've done no work." "I'm waiting for my program to compile while I design the next module in my head." "Could you grimace so I know you're working?" "Here you go."

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Dogbert Consults "Your time machine is a fraud, but no one needs to know." "With a few minor modifications, the user will vanish, and everyone will assume it worked." "This is in case you don't completely vanish."

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"I didn't think it was possible, but for the past month I've done my own job plus Ted's, and done them well." "I know that you're marveling at my accomplishment and wondering how you can reward me." "Maybe I can fire Carl and make this idiot do his job too." "I'll be we're thinking of the same bonus amount!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #seat, #airplane, #cannibal, #sits next to, #hairy skull, #touch, #taunts

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FISH & AMMO "Why do I always get the seat next to the cannibal?" "These guys are all the same. I know what's going to happen next." "My hairy skull isn't touching you." "Right on schedule."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #easy news cahnnel, #easy to gather, #countries want to kill u.s., #no phones, #two middle aged white guys, #they hate us, #we are wonderful, #buy book

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"Good evening. This is the Dogbert Easy News Channel." "We bring you all the news that's easy to gather." "Today's top story is about something that was first reported in a newspaper and later read by me." "People in other countries want to kill us. The rest of the article is mostly names I can't pronounce." "We thought about asking them why they want to kill us, but they don't have phones." "So here's the next best thing: a debate between two middle-aged white guys who also don't know why people want to kill us." "They hate us because we are so wonderful." "Buy my book or you will all die!" "Next on Easy News, our panelists wll discuss dumb crooks who keep getting stuck in chimneys." "Excellent."