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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #broke herd, #dancer, #do your stuff, #flirting, #powerful, #woman, #chick magnet

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Dilbert, wearing a jogging suit, sits in the grass. He says to Dogbert, "If you're such a chick magnet, let's see you do your stuff." Dogbert says, "Okay. I'll wag. They love that." Dilbert says, "It's working! You broke one out of the herd. She'd coming this way." Dogbert says, "Be careful. I don't know how powerful this is." Dilbert grumbles. A cute girl sits next to Dogbert and says, "I'll bet you work out a lot. I'm a dancer." Dogbert says, "Uh-oh."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #brilliant advice, #few points, #iq points, #not harder, #people, #pillow gone, #smarter, #speak latin, #wally dream, #wanting to, #working in dump, #work smarter

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Wally lies in bed dreaming. In his dream, he says to The Boss, "Hey, Pointy-Hair!" Wally says, "Thanks for the brilliant advice that I should, 'Work smarter, not harder.'" Wally continues, "I didn't realize people could become smarter just by wanting to." Wally groans and his head begins to bulge. He says, "Watch me add a few IQ points right now!" The Boss looks wide eyed. Wally says, "Wow! Suddenly, I can speak Latin!" Wally groans some more, "Let's crank it up a few more points." Wally's head is humongous. He says, "Why am I working in this dump? I should be a consultant." The dream over, Wally is at work holding a coffee cup. His head remains humongous. He says to Dilbert, "When I woke up, my pillow was gone." Dilbert says, "Oh wow. You woke up in the wrong joke."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #goal is to be happy, #more successful, #annoy, #rat, #Dilbert, #lecture, #compare

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Ratbert and Dilbert are sitting on the couch. Ratbert says, "if the goal of all creatures is to be happy... and I'm happier than you are..." Ratbert continues, "We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right?" Dilbert looks angry. Dilbert says, "You are REALLY starting to annoy me now." Ratbert says, "The gap widens. Yes!" and pumps his arm in victory.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ten percent raise, #fifteen percent more, #twenty percent, #no budget, #raises, #give big raises, #reward for leaving work, #price sheet

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Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk. He says, "I want a ten-percent raise." The Boss replies, "There's no budget for raises." Dilbert holds up a letter and says, "I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more." The Boss says, "I'll give you twenty percent if you stay." Dilbert says, "I thought you said there's no budget for raises." The Boss replies, "Well . . . It's supposed to be a secret but . . ." The Boss says, "Our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs." Dilbert tells Alice and Wally, "Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty!" They cheer and shout, "Yes! Yippee!" Wally asks, "What's the reward for leaving work early?" Dilbert replies, "He wouldn't show me the price sheet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #alice, #bonus, #capitalism, #flawed premise, #less work, #wally bonus, #worked less, #implications staggering, #frightening bonus

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Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a table. Alice says, "I did less work than usual this quarter and I got a bonus." Alice says, "The implications are staggering. The entire system of capitalism has a flawed premise." Alice says, "There's only ONE thing that could make this bonus more frightening." Wally says, "I got one, too."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #no on fired, #occasional beating, #statistical clustering, #suicides, #voting the customer, #buying product

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Dilbert and Kenny sit at a conference table. Kenny tells a customer, "No one has ever been fired for buying our product!" Dilbert adds, "That's true." Dilbert says, "There IS the occasional savage beating . . . and more than our share of suicides . . ." Kenny looks angry. Dilbert continues, "But that has 'statistical clustering' written all over it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #brought dilbert, #competitors product, #cover cost, #cup of coffee, #makes product special, #visiting the customer, #deceptive advertising

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Kenny and Dilbert sit at a conference table with a customer. Kenny tells the man, "I brought Dilbert to explain what makes our product special." Dilbert says, "It's exactly like our competitor's product except we charge more to cover the cost of our deceptive advertising." The man gets up and leaves the room. Dilbert says, "While you're up, could you get me a cup of coffee?" Kenny looks angry.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #professional, #bearer of bad news, #offer position, #qualified, #six billion, #earth, #resume

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Dogbert stands at a desk and types, "We can not offer you a position at this time but you are obviously qualified." Dogbert types, "Unfortunately, the other six billion people on earth are more qualified." Dogbert types, "We'll keep your resume on file." He crumples the resume into a ball and throws it over his shoulder.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #project, #boss, #information, #being followed, #cloud of doom

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you'd tell me everything you know about it." The Boss replies, "I've already told you more than I know." Dilbert walks away thinking, "I feel like I'm being followed." A cloud labeled "doom" follows Dilbert.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Catbert, #evil, #executed, #hr driector, #ill be fired, #internet, #non buiness, #personal thoughts, #sadistic policies, #senseless, #warning, #mass email, #technology

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Catbert stands at his desk and types, "Any employee who uses the Internet for non-business purposes will be fired." Catbert types, "And any employee who sits in a company chair while having a personal thought will be executed by security." Catbert smiles and thinks, "The great thing about senseless, sadistic policies is that they don't require a lot of explanation."