Search Results for "give money"
Share July 09, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert and the financial advisor sit at the table. The advisor says as Dilbert reads a brochure, "That's our new 'Strategic Diversification Fund.'" The man continues, "Our lawyers put your money in little bags, then we have trained dogs bury them around town." Dilbert asks, "Do they bury the bags or the lawyers?" The advisor replies, "We've tried it both ways."
Share July 10, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "I invested all of my money in stock options." Dogbert asks, "What's an option?" Dilbert explains, "It's complicated . . . Basically, you give your money to a stock broker and he buys nice things for his family." Dilbert asks, "Do you have any snide comments?" Dogbert replies, "No, you took all the fun out of it."
Share July 11, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert asks, "Am I wrong or did you tell me you invested all of your money in stock options for a company called Zymed?" Dogbert continues, "The radio says the stock price tripled on takeover rumors. You just made about ten million dollars." Dogbert continues, "But they say money can't buy happiness." Dilbert replies, "Apparently 'they' are idiots."
Share July 12, 1992's comic on:
Dogbert stands in front of a display case in a jewelry store. The salesclerk asks, "Are you interested in our diamond jewelry?" Dogbert says, "Let me see if I understand the concept here . . ." Dogbert says, ". . . I would give you thousands of dollars, and in return . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . You would give me a pebble you found on the ground." The salesman says, "These are no ordinary pebbles. Diamonds are very rare." Dogbert replies, "Rare? That's only because you made a marketing decision to restrict the supply." The clerk scoops some diamonds into a sack and says, "Okay, okay, you figured us out. I'll give you a free bag of diamonds if you'll go away and keep quiet." Dogbert walks on the sidewalk carrying a bag. He says, "Great . . . Now I'm a party to this ugly little secret."
Share July 17, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert says to the garbage man, "I've been miserable since I made my fortune in the stock market . . ." The garbage man replies, "It's the 'Law of Found Money.' Nature won't allow us to keep money we find on the ground or win by chance. Don't resist; let your intuition guide you." Dilbert stands in a computer retail store writing a check. He asks the salesclerk, "This comes with a color monitor, right?" The salesperson stands in front of a supercomputer labeled, "Gray 9. Only $10,000,000."
Share August 08, 1992's comic on:
A newsreporter stands on the lawn in front of Dilbert's house. She says, "People have traveled from all over to see the miracle of the peanut butter." Behind the reporter, people with outstretched arms walk toward the house. Dogbert stands on top of the refrigerator collecting money. Dogbert says, "Step right up . . . Just ten bucks to see the face of Saint Ted appearing in my jar of peanut butter." A man opens the fridge and says, "Ooh! And I see Elvis in the Jello!" Another man says, "Only the King moves like that!"
Share August 23, 1992's comic on:
Ted stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "I'm taking orders for 'Camp Girl cookies' on behalf of my daughter." Ted asks, "How many dozen can I guilt you into buying?" Dilbert says, "I've always wondered, Ted, why do they sell cookies? Is it just for the money?" Ted replies, "No, it's to help them build character by earning their own money." Dilbert asks, "Oh, so your daughter is doing some selling from door-to-door?" Ted answers, "No, too dangerous. My wife and I are doing all the selling at work." Dilbert says, "Well, then aren't you only teaching your daughter to act helpless so other people will do her work?" Ted says angrily, "Just buy the stupid cookies!!" Dilbert asks, "Have you considered foster care for your kids?"
Share September 11, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert hands a woman flowers and says, "Here are the flowers and the non-refundable date deposit." Dilbert hands the woman a diskette and says, "This diskette has my dating history, personal references and full financial disclosure." Dilbert asks, "When may I expect the rejection notice?" The woman replies, "I can give you a verbal now . . ."
Share September 20, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert sits at his desk. He hears, "Ha ha! Now spin on your head! Ha ha ha!" Dilbert walks into the room and sees an Elbonian standing on his head. He asks Dogbert, "What's going on here?" Dogbert replies, "This is Yergi. He's visiting from Elbonia." Dogbert explains, "The economy in Elbonia is so bad he only earns three dollars a month as a doctor." Dogbert continues, "It takes a year to earn enough for a pair of shoes . . . It takes TWO years for a pound of meat." Dogbert continues, "Philanthropist that I am, I offered to give him an old boot if he would act like my trained monkey for a week." Dilbert scolds, "Dogbert! I can't believe you would buy this man's dignity for an old boot!" Yergi says, "I plan to tell the kids it's a pound of meat." Dogbert says, "Quiet, Bobo."
Share September 21, 1992's comic on:
Dilbert sits at the desk and Dogbert sits next to him. Dilbert says, "There . . . I think I've invented a way to send vast amounts of data without fiber optic cables." Dilbert continues, "It's a simple application of J. S. Bell's theorem. He showed that if you break up a molecule and change the spin of one electron, the spin of the other electrons originally joined will immediately change too, no matter where they are." Dilbert asks, "What do you think the fiber optic industry will give me for this." Dogbert replies, "A horse's head in your bed."