Search Results for "human contact"
Share August 27, 2005's comic on:
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "I call it a stealth layoff." "We move all of the worthless employees to the same project. When it's done, we tell them that their jobs no longer exist." "I don't like the look of this."
Share December 06, 2005's comic on:
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "Ed, you seem disgruntled." "You need 30 minutes in the Employee Rationalizer." "I...I...don't mind bad management because...the commute is easy." "Better."
Share December 19, 2005's comic on:
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "The downsizing will be handled in the most humane way I could think of." "I hired a giant dung beetle to roll the poor performers into a ball and out the door." "I can't get the marketing ones to stick. They keep sliding off."
Share July 14, 2007's comic on:
Catbert, evil director of human resources Catbert: "Our new policy is no drinking coffee during work." "That should remove all doubt that our policies are designed for any reason other than evil." Dilbert: "Your honesty is refreshing." Catbert: "Stop ruining the moment!!!"
Share July 09, 2000's comic on:
Asok points to his diagram as he explains to the group, "My software will create human simulations from DNA samples." The Boss asks Asok, "What's the market application?" Asok answers, "Well...there are many various applications." The Boss says to Asok, "Name one." Asok begins to explain, "Well...someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded." Asok continues, "You could take a hair sample from a woman who refuses to date you..." Asok continues to explain, "and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch." Asok says, "You could have one button to feed her and one button to punish her." Wally replies, "I'd buy it." The Boss asks Asok, "Can you add a button?"
Share January 22, 2007's comic on:
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Scientist: I am a scientist from the planet Zorp. I bring you technologies beyond your imagination. All I ask is that you let me work with your engineers to transfer this knowledge. They think 'work' means sitting in a fabric-covered container.
Share February 29, 2008's comic on:
Catbert, the evil director of human resources, posts a job opening. Requirements: Candidate must have an I.Q. of 300, two centuries of unix experience and a track record of winning nobel prizes. "90% of my job is convincing people they don't deserve theirs."
Share April 26, 2008's comic on:
The Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to handle the due diligence for our alliance with the galactic protein corporation." The Boss says, "Find out if they have any hidden issues we should know about." Dilbert says, "Is this a bad time?" Human Buns
Share May 29, 2008's comic on:
Catbert: Evil director of human resources Catbert: "I like to use role play to evaluate job applicants." Pretend you're an unqualified loser. Wow. You're totally nailing it."
Share June 12, 2008's comic on:
Dogbert the Media Trainer Dogbert: "Let's try a mock interview to see how you respond under pressure. Are you a stinking weasel trying to pass as human?!!!" Weasel: What gave it away? Dogbert: "Honestly, it was a lucky guess."