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Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert is talking to the contract employee with glasses. Catbert says, "Yes, regular employees are paid less than contract emplyees such as yourself." Catbert says, "But if you join the company, you'll get many intangible benefits." The employee says, "Maybe your stockholders would like some intangible benefits. They can have mine."
The Boss aproaches Dilbert with a shovel full of paper. The Boss says, "Here's another shovel full of assignments." Dilbert throws his arms up. Dilbert says, "How am I supposed to get all of that done?" The Boss says, "Only do the most important ones." Dilbert holds on the projects. Dilbert reads, "Identify all the acronyms that have never been used." The boss says, "That's an important one."
"What are you drawing, Dogbert? "I'm creating a comic book called, 'The Adventures of Boron'." "'The most boring man in the entire Universe'." "Boron looks like me." "Geez, what an ego you have." "In chapter one, Boron slays the entire marketing department by explaining asynchronous protocols." "I think it's high time we engineers got a little respect in this society!" "Furthermore, there are many advantages to asynchronous transfer mode switch technology!" "First, there's bandwidth..."
Dogbert points to a sign that says, "Dogbert explains leadership." Dogbert points to a man who is wearing an untucked shirt and staring blankly ahead. Dogbert says, "Leaders start their careers as morons." The caption says, "They are drawn to meetings like moths to a porch light. The moron walks toward a conference room. Dogbert points to a diagram of a human body. He says, "The successful moron will have a very high bladder-to-brain ratio." The caption says, "They prevail in all decisions because they are impervious to logic or coffee." Dilbert sits at a conference table with the moron and another man. The moron says, "Let's do it my way!" The other man says, "Okay!" The caption says, "These qualities are perceived as leadership." The moron pours coffee on himself. The Boss tells the moron, "You're promoted!" The caption says, "After several promotions their job tends to match their talents." The moron tells Dilbert, "I award you this award." Dogbert says, "Conclusion: leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow."
Dilbert lies on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The therapist asks, "When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension?" Dilbert imagines the Boss telling him, "I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The Boss, Dilbert and a woman sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Let me share the high level strategic view." Dilbert thinks, "Here we go." The Boss spreads his arms and says, "Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago . . ." The Boss continues, "But we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win solutions!" The caption says, "Two hours later." The Boss says, "And we won't sop until we delight every customer!" The woman looks shocked and Dilbert covers his eyes. The customer says, "I'd be delighted if you just told me about your new Internet access product." The Boss replies, "I cancelled the funding yesterday." The Boss stands up and says, "Who's up for a tour of our cubicles?" Dilbert says, "Gotta go."
Dilbert and Wally sit at a table. The Boss enters the room and says, "I've got an idea!" Dilbert and Wally think, "We're doomed." The Boss asks, "Why can't we run our inventory database over our e-mail system?" Dilbert thinks, "Fact: that is the stupidest idea in the universe." Wally thinks, "Fact: his comprehension is so limited that debate is futile." Dilbert and Wally both think, "Fact: we could spend hours unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea." Dilbert and Wally think, "Fact: he would never know if we used his idea or not." Dilbert says, "No problem." Wally says, "We'll get right on it." The Boss walks away thinking, "My work is done." Wally tells Dilbert, "Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil." Dilbert adds, "And you don't want to get any on you."
The Boss tells Dilbert, "I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon." The Boss continues, "But this morning I'm helping my daughter sell cub girl cookies." The Boss continues, "For your shopping convenience I have assigned a name to each volume level." Dilbert reads, "Zero to four boxes is the 'downsizer' volume . . ." Dilbert reads, "Five to eight boxes is the 'low performer' volume level." Dilbert writes on the order form and says, "Let's say six hundred boxes." The Boss says, "Ahh . . . The 'fast tracker.' An excellent choice." Dilbert asks, "What's your daughter's name?" The Boss says, "Ooh . . . Gotta go." Wally says, "I only bought twelve boxes. Now I'm the 'United Way' chairperson." Dilbert says, "I just signed your name for six hundred more."
The Boss, Catbert, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Mr. Catbert, our evil director of human resources, will describe our new cubicle plan." Catbert says, "Last year we reduced the size of cubicles in the densification project." Catbert continues, "We didn't save much money, but we did lower morale." Catbert continues, "This year we'll build on that success . . ." Catbert holds a square box and says, "With the patented 'Head Cubicle.'" Catbert lifts the Head Cubicle and says, "Hold still, Wally." Catbert says, "And the head cubicle can be recycled after you're downsized!" The cubicle covers Wally's head. Dilbert, Alice and Wally wear the cubicles on their heads. Alice says, "We really need to draw the line at some point." Dilbert adds, "While we still have our dignity."
A man sits in his cubicle thinking, "It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail." The man thinks, "I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or because I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is." The man thinks, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers." The man screams, "Hi. Thanks for the information. Talk to you later!!!" The man shouts, "Did I tell you about my cyst?" Dilbert hears the man yelling and sends an e-mail message that says, "Dogbert, send Bob the Dinosaur quickly!" Bob says to the building security officer, "I'm here to deliver a wedgie." The man replies, "Use the service elevator." Dilbert sits at his desk humming while the man next to him screams as Bob gives him a wedgie. Dilbert presses the elevator button and asks Bob, "What's the best part - the look on their faces or the way they yell?" Bob replies, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers."
Catbert stands at his desk thinking, "My tail is twitching . . ." Catbert thinks, "That can only mean it's time to write some more evil policies." Catbert types, "To: all employees. Subject: new policy." Dilbert gets the e-mail message and reads, "Employees must wear shoes that are one size smaller than their feet." Alice reads, "This will reduce wear and tear on carpets by five percent." Catbert thinks, "This is my favorite part." He types, "We must do this to be competitive." A woman enters Catbert's office and says, "I'm a reporter for 'Evil HR Policies Weekly.' Do you have any success stories?" Catbert purrs. The caption says, "This is how industry practices are born." The journalist asks, "Has anyone complained about the 'Footsizing' program?" Catbert replies, "I haven't listened to a single complaint."