Never Born Comic Strips - Page 9
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649 Results for Never Born
View 81 - 90 results for never born comic strips. Discover the best "Never Born" comics from Dilbert.com.
Saturday June 01,
2019
Winners Never Quit
Tags business, office, office workers, sarcasm, inspirational quotes
Transcript
the boss: i'm not having much luck with my inspirational quotes, but i thought i would try one more time. the boss: "winners never quit, and quitters never win." dilbert: when ted quit, you gave him a raise to stay. the boss: these work better when you don't think about them.
Monday June 07,
2021
Never Admit You Are Wrong
Tags business, office relationships, wrong, admit, pride, cumulative, clouds, speachless, example
Transcript
tina: you never admit you're wrong. dilbert: give me one example of that. tina: well, for example, there was the time you said there were no such things as "cumulative" clouds. panel changes to office building. tina: to this day, you have not admitted you were wrong. dilbert: um...
Sunday April 17,
2011
Tags business ethics, language, best shore, off shore, some countries, better than others, racists
Transcript
Boss: And we plan to bestshore the production. Dilbert: What? Boss: We say bestshore now instead of offshore. Dilbert: Is that because we never tried to pick the best shore until now? Boss: Of course we tried to pick the best shore! Dilbert: But we never succeeded because we're incompetent? Boss: All I'm saying is that some countries are better than others! Wally: We're racists?
Sunday May 08,
2011
Tags business ethics, suspicion, features for product, overstaffed, spare time, job description, healthy raise, highest performance rating
Transcript
Dilbert: In my spare time I created some awesome new features for our product. Boss: GAAA!!! Shut the door! Dilbert: What?!! Boss: You fool! If my boss finds out you have spare time, he'll think we're overstaffed! You can never speak of these awesome new features again. Dilbert: I'm confused. You told me I need to go above and beyond my job description to get the highest performance rating. Boss: That's just something I say to keep you from getting a healthy raise. Dilbert: So... I lose no matter what I do? Boss: For what it's worth, you're doing better than our customers.
Monday January 17,
2011
Tags anger, engineers, honesty, beginning of decline, salted note, good idea, why don't we format, social product
Transcript
The Boss says, "I have a great idea! Why don't we make our product social?" Dilbert says, "Because when you start to understand a concept, it marks the beginning of its decline." Dilbert says, "On a related note, it's never a good idea to ask an engineer a question in the 'why don't we' format."
Sunday May 15,
2011
Tags dating, restaurants, filling survey, surveys, guilty, date, dinner, restaurant, Food, favorite restaurant, romance, waiter, pick up waiter, ruined, relationships
Transcript
Waiter: Would you mind filling out this customer survey so we know how we're doing? Dilbert: I don't have time to fill out surveys about everything I do. But you're making me feel guilty about not doing it. Oh no! You turned a good customer experience into something ugly. It's getting all awkward and I'm looking like a big jerk in front my date. Now I can never again eat here because I'm afraid of what you'll do to my food. You've ruined my favorite restaurant, as well as my chance of romance with this woman. Waiter: ... favorite restaurant... Woman: What are you doing later?
Friday June 10,
2011
Tags kindness, trick, credibility issue, suscpious, boss compliments, hostile response
Transcript
Alice: I'm just stopping by to say you're doing a great job, Alice. Alice: You never do that! It's a trick! Die, monster, die! Boss: I might have a credibility issue.
Sunday August 21,
2011
Tags anxiety, mobile (cell) phones, telephones, rings after 4pm, caller id blocked, ignore call, email, horrible issue, hate life, torture coworker
Transcript
Noise: Ring. Dilbert: Uh-oh. It's never good when my phone rings after 4 pm. Caller ID is blocked. Someone must know that I would ignore the call if I knew who it was. If it weren't urgent, it would be email. This must be some sort of horrible issue that will cause me to work all night. It stopped. There's still a chance that I'll be okay unless my cell phone... Noise: Bzzzz. Dilbert: GAAAA!! I hate my life! Alice: You're right. That was funny. Wally: Now I'll text him.
Sunday August 28,
2011
Tags anger, honesty, meetings, honest opinions, plan, hold back, feedback, monkey eats, fermented fruit
Transcript
Boss: I want your honest opinions on my plan. Don't hold back anything. Asok: Does he mean that? Wally: Why don't you find out? Asok: Yes, I have some feedback. Your plan reminds me of what happens when a monkey eats a fermented fruit. He's all - ooh - ooh - ooh and then he falls out of the tree. ... Is that how he looks when he hears honesty? Wally: Beats me. I've never tried it.
Sunday October 09,
2011
Tags anger, frustration, matrix comparing features, skin in game, bang head, cause extra work, value of time, ninja economics
Transcript
Ted: You know what would be great? I'd like to see a matrix comparing the features of our past products. Boss: Dilbert, why don't you pull that together for our next meeting! Dilbert: That would take two days and the matrix would have no practical use. The problem here is that Ted doesn't have any skin in the game. I propose that Ted has to bang his head on the table whenever he causes me to do extra work. That will help Ted make better decision about the value of my time. Ted: Never mind. Dilbert: Ninja economics!