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Dogbert the Lobbyist "For a million dollars I can have the government include your industrial waste in the recommended food pyramid." "For another million I'll have Congress authorize huge tax breaks for soulless, Blackberry-using weasels with coffee breath." "I just want to hug you!" "That's another million."
Our sales guy vastly underbid a job. Now it's my project to install the system in a way that's profitable. "Blame your customer for underspecifying the features then charge her through the nose for change orders." "Three million dollars for an electrical plug?" "The base model uses a potato battery."
"I found a way to save a million dollars by spending only $10,000." "The $10,000 would come out of my budget but the savings would go into someone else's budget. It's not feasible." "Our stockholders might disagree." "That's why they aren't invited to meetings."
Dilbert: Rebels have threatened to attack our Elbonian factory unless we give them a million dollars. The Boss: "That's outrageous! Tell them their competition offered to not attack us for half that price." Negotiations begin Elbonian: "That wouldn't even cover our costs of not attacking!"
CEO: We have too much goodwill on the balance sheet. I decided to sell some of it. "A mysterious buyer offered a million dollars for the right to decrease our goodwill." Dogbert: "You might have a bit less job satisfaction next week."
The Boss: "I need a cost estimate on your project." Dilbert: "I have no idea I haven't even gathered the user requirements." The Boss: "Don't worry I won't hold you to the estimate." Dilbert: "Yes you will. You will put it in the plan, forget we had this conversation, and fire me when I go over budget." The boss: "Give me a number or I'll fire you right now." Dilbert: "Okay, it will cost ten million dollars." The Boss: "That's too high." Dilbert: "If you already know the cost why are you asking me?" The Boss: "So you'll feel like you had input." Dilbert: "Is input supposed to feel this bad?"
Dilbert: I need an improbable solution to a work problem.Deus ex machina services. Dogbert says, "Sure. I charge one million dollars for each improbable solution." Dilbert says, "Okay, then I also need an improbable way to get things from you for free." Dogbert says, "Stop breaking my business model."
The Boss says, "I want to improve our reputation in the community by donating money to the needy." The Boss says, "Find me a photogenic hobo who could use a million dollars." Dilbert says, "I'm looking for a hobo who could use a million dollars." A man says, "Sorry, we're tramps."