Corporate Vision Comic Strips - Page 9
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The Boss: From now on, all travel must be booked through the corporate travel web site. Alice: Our travel web site is terrible. It only lets you book the cheapest flight, and that's always on Elbonian Airlines. The Boss: Don't be such a snob. What's wrong with using a discount airline? Alice: Well, they list their destination airports as 'whatever looks soft'. The meals in first class are made of anyone who dies in coach. Their entire security screening process involves shouting at each passenger 'Are you Osama bin Laden?!!!'" "And I once saw a baggage handler wearing my dress. The Boss: Whiner.
The Boss: "Is your plan consistent with our corporate strategy?" Dilbert: "How would I know?" The Boss: "Don't you know our strategy?" Dilbert: "No. Do you?" The Boss: "Of course I do. It's something about leveraging our platforms." "Does your plan leverage our platforms?" Dilbert: "No, but I can rewrite my plan so it seems as if it does." The Boss: "Good. Go back and do that." "There's no point in having a strategy if you aren't going to pretend to follow it."
Asok: My job is an endless series of mind-numbingly unimportant tasks. "My central nervous system is starting to atrophy." The Boss: "I'm kind of busy." Asok: "Punch me in the head so I can feel something."
The Boss says, "The company has decided to explore strategic alternatives." Dilbert says, "Is that another way to say the company is for sale and we'll all be fired by our new corporate overlords?" The Boss says, "What answer will spark the least employee vandalism?"
Carol says, "I heard a rumor that you think a monkey could do my job." Carol says, "Do you think a monkey could fling this corporate newsletter at your head?" Carol says, "Unh!!!" Ted says, "Is this a trick question?"
An Elbonian says, "A corporate raider has offered to buy our company for nine dollars." Another Elbonian says, "We should ask for more." The first Elbonian says, "He's a tough negotiator." The first Elbonian says, "Now it's only eight dollars?" Dogbert says, "And I want you to do something in your hat."
Alice says, "A corporate raider bought the company and sold off all the assets." Dilbert says, "Well, he can sell our assets but we still have our brains and our spirits!" Dogbert says, "And the brains go to Mutobu the Impaler. Our next auction is for their spirits." BAM
woman says, "You need to sign the corporate code of conduct." Wally says, "Wow! You're totally hot." woman says, "Um?That's inappropriate, and you need to sign the code of conduct." Wally says, "I don't have a pen, can you take it back to your cubicle and sign it for me?" woman says, "No. And I think you're lying about not having a pen. But maybe we can find one for you." Wally says, "See if Dilbert is in his cubicle, I usually take his stuff and blame the cleaners." woman says, "Just sign the #%!*! code of conduct or I will crush your stupid, bald head!" Wally says, "Do I need to read it?" Woman says, "No. Just say you did."