Ill Will Comic Strips - Page 9
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Dilbert sits at a table in a restaurant with an enormous woman. Dilbert thinks, "I will NEVER go on another blind date." Dilbert says, "So, Jabba . . . Er . . . I mean, Janet, have you dated many other men?" Janet replies, "Yes, but they all disappeared without a trace. Incidentally, you look delicious tonight."
Dogbert sits on a cliff with a wise man. The wise man says, "The secrets of the universe will be revealed if you meditate." Dogbert asks, "Can't you just tell me the secrets?" The sage replies, "To meditate you must clear your mind of all thoughts." Dogbert asks, "If I have no thoughts how will I know if I'm meditating?" Dogbert continues, "And how do I come out of it? I won't be able to think about stopping." Dogbert continues, "And shouldn't stupid people be the best meditators of all?" The wise man says, "Perhaps you are not ready." Dogbert replies, "Perhaps you should spend more time with some thoughts."
Dilbert says to a group of Elbonians, "The first thing you Elbonians must understand about capitalism is the incentive system." Dilbert continues, "If you're willing to work twelve hours a day, eventually the guy who owns your factory will get rich." An Elbonian asks another, "Am I missing something here?" Dilbert continues, "Then you guys get to watch great tv shows based on the millionaire's life!"
Dilbert arrives at home and tells Dogbert, "My trip to Elbonia was a complete success." Dilbert continues, "I opened our subsidiary, taught capitalism to the locals and showed them how to make computer chips out of sand." Dogbert replies, "Oh great . . . Now they will become an industrial giant and compete against us." Dilbert says, "Don't worry. I also taught them our management techniques."
The caption says, "After tugging a loose thread on his shirt . . ." Dilbert's head is missing. Dilbert kneels on the ground in front of Dogbert and says, "Do something." Dogbert says, "Hmm . . . Head got sucked into torso, huh?" Dogbert continues, "I'll try flattery . . . Your head will expand and pop right out . . ." Later, Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert says, ". . . And you are superior to mollusks in every way but looks . . ." Dilbert says, "I felt something that time."
Dilbert says, "Ahem . . . I think I'll call my stock broker . . . I'm an investor, you know." Dogbert says, "Ooh . . . I'm impressed." Dilbert says into the telephone, "What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour." Dilbert says, "I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins."
Michael: ...after you leave you will not remember being inside your computer talking to a microchip. You will purchase worthless computer upgrades and argue that it saves money in the long run. Dilbert: It's a static byte Dwinkelizer... A necessity really.
The caption says, "Dilbert special! Bob the Dinosaur will rip the underpants off guys we hate!" Bob pulls the underwear off a man. The caption says, "Case #1." A man smoking a pipe and wearing a turtleneck says, ". . . Bought my first house for 75 cents. Sold it a year later for 400,000 dollars . . ." The man screams as Bob pulls his underwear off. Bob says, "Now he drives a 'Beemer.'" The caption says, "Case #2." A man says, "It's a great movie. You'll be surprised when you find out the parakeet is the murderer." The man screams as Bob pulls off his boxer shorts. Bob says, "I love surprises!" The caption says, "Case #3." A car salesman says, "Wait here and I'll try to convince my boss to sell the car at your price." The man screams when Bob pulls off his underwear. Bob says, "He's on your side!" The caption says, "Finally . . ." Dilbert says, "Only an idiot would thing computers are confusing."
Dogbert follows a little boy, holds out a microphone and asks, "Excuse me, young man. May I ask you some probing and embarrassing questions?" Dogbert shakes the microphone in the boy's face and asks, "Is it true that you spend a great deal of time contemplating the effects of firecrackers on investigative reporters?!!" Smoke clouds rise from Dogbert's head and his fur is burned. Dogbert says, "I'll bet this hasn't happened to Mike Wallace even once."
Dilbert sits on an examining table wearing only his underwear. Dilbert asks the doctor, "How's it look, Doc?" The doctor examines an X-ray and says, "You came just in time." The physician explains, "I'm way behind in my alimony payments. I'll have to do some unnecessary surgery on you." The doctor continues, "You have a fair number of redundant organs." The doctor continues, "Two lungs . . . Two kidneys . . . Large AND small intestines . . ." Dilbert looks scared. The doctor says, "And I'm sure you aren't taking full advantage of your pancreas." Dilbert faints. The doctor looks at the reader and says, "I find that humor helps my patients relax."