Kill People Comic Strips - Page 9
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Dogbert stands in front of the judge's bench and says, "I call my garbage man to the stand, because he knows everything." The garbage man sits in the witness stand and says, "According to the Iowa Corn Treaty of 1837, it is LEGAL to kill a man with an ear of corn under two conditions . . ." The garbage man continues, "One: if the victim is a witch or two: if he owns a poodle." Dogbert says, "For my next witness, I call 'Fifi.'"
Dogbert sits on a park bench next to a chef. The chef says, "I haven't been able to get a job in two years." The chef continues, "It's because everybody knows my brother is in jail. People think I must be dishonest too." The chef concludes, "You should not judge a cook by its brother." Dogbert replies, "He probably says the same about you."
Dogbert sits on a pillow watching tv. He thinks, "The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of earth." Dogbert walks away thinking, "Those people are idiots. They should all drive over here and proclaim me their king." Dogbert returns to the pillow with a bag of potato chips and thinks, "The secret to happiness is high expectations and your own bag of chips."
Dogbert and Dilbert walk through the park. Dilbert asks, "Do you think people are basically good or evil?" Dogbert replies, "Well, I know dogs are basically good." Dogbert continues, "And dogs are better than people." Dogbert continues, "But people are better than cats." They sit down under a tree. Dogbert continues, "And cats are evil . . ." Dogbert continues, "Therefore, all people are stupid." Dilbert says, "I don't follow that logic." Dogbert says, "Yes, my theory predicts you would say that."
Dilbert watches Dogbert sleeping on the hassock. He thinks, "Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep?" Dilbert thinks, "It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars." In Dogbert's dream, he stands on a throne and says, "Ha ha! I am Saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves!" Saint Dogbert asks Dilbert, "What's on my schedule today, lackey?" Dilbert looks at the schedule and says, "You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine." Dilbert continues, "Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten." Dogbert says, "Good, good." Dilbert says, "Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off." Dogbert wakes up and thinks, "Reality: what a gyp."
Dogbert asks Dilbert, "How did you do in the stand-up comedy competition?" Dilbert's clothes are tattered and he has bruises on his face. Dilbert replies, "I was halfway through my first joke -- about old people, when an elderly woman dragged me off stage and slapped the bejeezus out of me." Dilbert holds up a trophy and says, ". . . It was good enough for third place."
Dilbert walks down the office hallway and thinks, "Forgot my keys." Dilbert thinks, "I'll have to slap my forehead and mutter when I turn around, otherwise I'll look silly." As two people watch, Dilbert smacks himself and his glasses fly off his head. Dilbert thinks, "Too hard."
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I've decided to become a pop psychologist and lecturer." Dogbert continues, "My theory is that you can blame all of your problems on invisible people." Dilbert replies, "That doesn't sound healthy." Dogbert says, "Don't blame me. Talk to Juan and Cindy."
Dogbert stands on a stage holding a microphone. Dogbert says to the audience, "You can free yourself from guilt with the copyrighted Dogbert method." Dogbert continues, "My method is so simple that even stupid people can do it." Dogbert asks, "Do we have any stupid people here today?" Everyone in the audience raises their hands.
Dogbert stands on a stage holding a microphone. He says to the audience, "The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is quite simple." Dogbert continues, "All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy." Dogbert continues, "All you have to do is find them and kill them."