Wear Whatever Comic Strips - Page 9
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Catbert and Dilbert watch The Boss who is in a coma at his desk. Catbert says, "A manager's brain is like a pump. If it becomes empty you must prime it." Catbert says to Dilbert, "Whatever he learns first will form the foundation for all of his future perceptions." Catbert points at Dilbert and says to The Boss, "This guy has been talking smack about you." The Boss begins to come to, saying, "Unh..."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "I have an idea!" The Boss continues, "We'll automate our online tech support." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Our software will analyze incoming e-mail and send responses based on key words!" Dilbert, his tie flying up, says to The Boss, "That's an excellent plan." The Boss responds, "I know." Dilbert says, "But what about the one percent of our customers who actually get a useful response?" Dilbert says to The Boss, "Maybe we could wear ski masks and throw rocks at their houses." Dilbert says, "Then we could achieve our goal of 100% customer dissatisfaction! Whoo hoo!" Dilbert throws his arms up in the air as The Boss watches him. Dilbert thinks to himself, "Maybe I should work someplace where sarcasm and supportiveness are different things."
The Boss sees Alice at her desk and asks, "Why are our software expenses higher than marketing's software expenses?" Alice replies, "For the same reason monkey's don't wear watches." Caption reads: "One hour later." The Boss returns and asks, "Does it involve fur in any way?"
Headline: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert is standing on The Boss' desk. Catbert reports, "The average performance evaluation for your group is too high." The Boss asks, "Do you want me to lower their ratings or their actual performance?" Catbert responds, "Whatever." Dilbert is sitting at his computer. The Boss is standing behind him with one arm reached out towards the back of Dilbert's head. Dilbert says, "This is starting to affect my performance." The Boss replies, "Why? I'm not touching you."
Dilbert and the woman from the gym are walking outside. The woman says, "We're such a mismatch that I doubt you'll ever improve yourself all the way to my level." She continues, "Maybe I could meet you in the middle by gaining thirty pounds and getting a terrible haircut." Dilbert and the woman sit on the bank of the river. She continues, "...Knock out a few teeth, wear stained clothes, chew tobacco..."
The Boss is sitting at his desk. Wally approaches and asks, "Is it okay if I work from home one day a week?" The Boss responds, "How would I know you were working?" Wally responds, "How do you know I'm working when I'm HERE?" The Boss responds, "When you're here, I know you're unhappy and that's the same thing as work." Wally responds, "What if I invent a hideously uncomfortable hat to wear when I'm working at home?" The Boss responds, "Well... that might be okay." The Boss continues, "But it has to be extremely uncomfortable or else it isn't work." Wally sits in his living room. He has a clamp tightened around his head and has turned blue. He thinks, "Hee Hee! The joke's on him - it isn't that uncomfortable."
The Boss says to Asok and Wally, "Every employee will wear a button that says 'I'm Empowered.'" Asok responds, "I don't want to." The Boss says, "You have to." Asok and Wally walk away wearing their pins. Wally says, "That was everything you need to know about life in one package."
Dilbert is talking to a woman. She asks, "Are you a manager?" Dilbert responds, "No, I'm an individual contributor." The woman says, "So, basically, you have the same job description as an ant?" Dilbert responds, "I'd like to see an ant try to wear huge glasses like these!"
The new employee says to Dilbert, "I've learned to appear smarter than I am." The new employee continues, "I agree with whatever people say then I reword it to sound more wise." Dilbert responds, "Please leave my cubicle." The new employee replies, "Because sometimes less is more!"
The Boss says to Dilbert, "You're the first employee for my 'Coffee with the Boss' program." The Boss continues, "Feel free to say whatever is on your mind. Don't hold back. Give it to me straight." Dilbert says, "My chair has a squeak." The Boss yells, "You ungrateful whiny wretch!!!"