Customer Data Comic Strips - Page 9
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401 Results for Customer Data
View 81 - 90 results for customer data comic strips. Discover the best "Customer Data" comics from Dilbert.com.
Friday December 09,
2016
Hire A Famous Cartoonist
Tags samsung, safety, explosion, battery, marketing, trust, celebrity, cartoonist, business
Transcript
Boss: We need to regain customer trust after our exploding phone fiasco. Dogbert: You need a celebrity endorsement. People trust celebrities with their life-and-death decisions. Maybe a famous cartoonist. Boss: I don't see how that could go wrong. Narrator: Continued...
Friday August 19,
2016
Boss Freestyles With Jargon
Tags language, jargon, managers, leadership, nonsense, gibberish
Transcript
Boss: I forgot to make an agenda for this meeting, so I'll just freestyle it with jargon. Let's do a deep dive in the big data and drill down until we hyperlocalize some disruptive technologies. That's enough leadership. Now the rest of you need something to do.
Wednesday August 10,
2016
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Tags help, assistance, sayings, adage, divine intervention, laziness
Transcript
Man: Can you get me that data by Friday? Wally: They say "God helps those who help themselves." Man: So... you won't help? Wally: I'm waiting for you to go first. Man: And then you'll help? Wally: No, the order is you, then God, then me.
Monday June 13,
2016
Twitter Complaints
Tags customer servie, customer support, trolling, social media, popularity, technology
Transcript
Dilbert: We're getting a lot of product complaints on Twitter. Boss: Tell those trolls to shut up and leave us alone. Dilbert: Uh... okay. CEO: Why did our stock just drop to zero? Boss: Sounds like a seasonal thing.
Sunday May 01,
2016
Tags election, voting, technology, fraud, cheating, vote, Politics
Transcript
Boss: We won a contract to write software for voting machines. Dilbert: Who do you want to be president? Boss: Why do you ask? Dilbert: Because I want you to be happy. Boss: You're implying that you plan to fudge the system. Dilbert: I'm not implying anything like that. Obviously, it will be easy to fudge the data, and we are far happier when you're in a good mood. But I would never commit a crime just because it is good for ma and totally undetectable. Boss: Okay, good. Dilbert: So who do you want to win and by how much?
Monday April 18,
2016
Government Wants Access To Data
Tags national security, privacy, technology, big business, terrorism
Transcript
CEO: The government wants us to make software that can unlock the encrypted data of our users. Either we choose privacy or national security. Should we betray our customers or should we enable terrorists? Figure out which one is more profitable and get back to me. Boss: On it.
Sunday March 06,
2016
Tags insult, offense, engineer, programmer, coding, anger, technology, engineering
Transcript
Man: How's the software coming? Alice: Still waiting for you to give me the specs so I can start. Man: I already told you it's a cloud app that does data. Hey, I can't do your job for you. You have to meet me halfway. Aren't you supposed to be "agile?" I mean, how hard is it to rearrange zeroes and ones all day? Should I ask again tomorrow? Alice: Sure, if you're alive.
Wednesday January 06,
2016
Three Problems With Spreadsheet
Tags spreadsheet, criticism, semantics, error, correction
Transcript
Boss: Did you see any errors on the spreadsheet I put together? Dilbert: Only three. Boss: What are they? Dilbert: Your data, your format, and your formulas.
Sunday December 27,
2015
Tags sales personnel, salesman, sales, honesty, deception, stragegy, sociopath, lying, lie, business
Transcript
Man: I need you to join me on a sales call to tell my customer how easy it will be to switch to our software. Dilbert: It isn't easy. Man: This is a sales call. All you need to do is say everything will be easy. Dilbert: What happens when they find out it isn't easy? Man: They won't find out until after they pay us. Dilbert: What will you do when they complain? Man: I'll tell your boss you misled them. Dilbert: Not if I warn him first! Man: Too late. I already told him you're a liar.
Monday December 14,
2015
Dilbert Can Tweak The Software
Tags sales, sales personnel, demands, rules, promise, restrictions, obliviousness, business
Transcript
The Sales Call. Salesman: If you need any tweaks to the software, Dilbert can do that in minutes. Dilbert: I'm not allowed to tweak the software for one customer. Salesman: He'll do it anyway. Dilbert: I'm going to report you.


