Don't Like Cats Comic Strips - Page 9
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boss: i don't want employees who are only working for the money. i want employees who are working to make the world a better place. dilbert: how does working here make the world a better place? half of our products cause cancer, and the other half don't work at all. wally: we don't even pay taxes. one could argue that every day we spend working here makes the planet a little bit worse. boss: is that why i never see you doing any work? wally: when did it become a crime to care about people? sheesh!
boss: your slide deck is too well-designed. it suggests you spend too much time on things that are not important. asok: you don't give me important tasks. boss: that's no excuse for good design.
boss: marketing is complaining that you're not using their ideas. dilbert: that's because all of their ideas are moronic. boss: i told them i fired you. don't leave your cubicle or use any digital devices until this blows over.
boss: i can't give you a good performance review because you haven't performed up to expectations. wally: do you even know what my job is? boss: of course i do. you're an engineer. wally: yes, but do you know what projects i'm working on? boss: well, various things, and some miscellaneous things too. wally: how can you determine my job performance when you don't know what my job is? boss: have you heard of heuristics? you're bad at everything i've observed, so i assume you are bad at everything else as well. wally: you should have started with that.
boss: i was going to give this assignment to alice, but i know she would complain about it. dilbert reading paper: i don't want it either. boss: do you plan to complain about it later? dilbert: not to your face. boss: problem solved.
dilbert: i don't think your plan will work. employee: pffft. of course you don't. you are trying to sabotage me because you are jealous of my success. dilbert: you read minds as well as you make plans. employee: apology accepted.
carol: a reporter for buzz flawed wants to interview you. boss: i don't see any downside to that! reporter: my first question is, do you still cheat all of your suppliers? boss: no! of course not. reporter: so. you're admitting you cheated your suppliers in the past? boss: get out of my office, you evil monster! reporter: okay, i got what i needed. one week later: voice from boss's smartphone: "the pudgy miscreant could not hide his glee when bragging about cheating his suppliers."
ceo: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's... dilbert: a deep fake? ceo: i was going to say duck. dilbert: you might want to update your folksy sayings every century or two.