Doomed Projects Comic Strips - Page 9

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161 Results for Doomed Projects

View 81 - 90 results for doomed projects comic strips. Discover the best "Doomed Projects" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 2006's comic on:


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Your management performance has been abysmal. I'm afraid I have to minimize you. "Minimize? Is that like downsize?" "Downsizing is only for non-managers." "Abysmal managers get minimized. Follow me." "Your new office is the size of a refrigerator crisper." "You will have no direct reports and your job title will be 'Director of Unnecessary and Special Projects.'" "Can I ever be maximized?" "Maybe if some other manager jumps off the roof." "You're right - the view up here is spectacular!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I'm too busy to learn anything about the projects I'm managing. "I barely have enough time to make critical decisions about them." "Maybe you're lazy and stupid." "Let's go down to the pond and throw rocks at the ducks."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 21, 2005's comic on:


Tags #charging time, #projects, #no work, #wind, #existence of your wind, #farting around

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"Wally, you've been charging your time to several projects, but no one has ever seen you work." "You can't see the wind, either, but surely you don't doubt that it exists." "I've also gotten complaints about the existence of your wind." "I rest my case."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 04, 2005's comic on:


Tags #pet employee, #all projects, #cutting edge technology, #hawaii

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"Don't worry that I might give all the good projects to my pet employee." "Petricia, I'd like you to evaluate cutting-edge technologies in Hawaii." "Now, who's left to wax my back?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 02, 2005's comic on:


Tags #employees, #the boss, #asok, #projects, #new, #challenge, #tina, #write, #newsletter, #worthless, #assistant

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I have completed all of my projects and I am ready for a new challenge. "You can help Tina write the department newsletter." "But the newsletter job is only given to the most worthless employee." "And her assistant."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 22, 2005's comic on:


Tags #minor success, #chance corporate ruination

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The project has a 70% chance of minor success and a 30% chance of corporate ruination. The Boss: I like those odds. when can we start. Dilbert: Start? I wish we had ten more projects like this one.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 17, 2005's comic on:


Tags #wrong budget, #no probelms, #unrealitic, #failure, #deceptive forecstas, #believe the lie, #deception, #optimism, #few hours, #perfect budget

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"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 26, 2005's comic on:


Tags #design plan, #questions, #egyptian hieroglyphocs, #patent, #hieroglyphics, #ancient egyptians, #microchips patent laws

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"And that's my design plan. Are there any questions?" "It reminds me of Eqyptian Hieroglyphics. Are you sure they didn't patent it?" "Um...I don't think that's likely." "But there's still some risk?" "First of all, I didn't use Hieroglyphics. Secondly, the ancient Egyptians didn't have microchips. Thirdly, they didn't have patent laws." "Good point. " "Oh yeah? Then how did they build pyramids?" "Do some research on that question and get back to us next week" "Next on the agenda: why do our projects take so long?" "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 11, 2005's comic on:


Tags #projects budget, #ten percent, #no thinking, #picke dnumber, #cutting hours worked, #36 hours, #affect result

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The boss: I have to cut your project's budget by ten percent. Dilbert: "Ten percent??" dilebrt: "That's the sort of round number you would pick if you did no thinking whatsoever." The boss: "Anything can be cut by ten percent without affecting the result." Dilbert: "Cool! I'm cutting back to 36 hours per week!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 16, 2005's comic on:


Tags #victime, #identity theft, #wander, #strangers underpants

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The Boss: The police say I'm a victim of identity theft. The Boss: "Now I am doomed to wander the earth without knowing who I am." Dilbert: "That would mean you're wearing a stranger's underpants." The boss: "GAAA!"