Earn Trust Comic Strips - Page 9
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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Write a performance evaluation for yourself." The Boss continues, "Shoot for about 3% raise...because that's what you're getting." Dilbert's computer states, "Dilbert's inventions will earn a billion dollars. But we think he steals almost as much."
The Boss calls Alice as she is walking by: "Alice!" The Boss tells Alice: "Stirrup pants are not professional attire." Alice explains: "I just filed a patent that will earn fifty million in license fees for the company." The Boss is impressed: "Really? Wow." He continues: "But its no excuse for bad pants." Alice says: "Whatever. Did you sign the budget request I gave you last week?" The Boss answers: "No... I've been busy with various pant-related crises." The stirrup pants are pulled over the Boss's head. He thinks: "Here's another."
CYNICS ANONYMOUS Dilbert: My company sent me here to ref=gain my naive sense of trust. All in favor of using Dilberts company paid dues on beer say aye. Make sure you sign up for our gambling cruise.
Dilbert says to Dogbert over a cup of coffee: "I know I could earn more money at another company. So why do I stay?" Dogbert says: "Maybe the coffee is good and you enjoy watching the antics of feeble, unaware loosers." Dilbert begins to say: "No, I don't think that's..." But Dogbert, finishing his cup of coffee, cuts him off with: "This coffee is good."
Dilbert and the boss sit at a table with tools on it. The boss holds a gadget and says, "Your invention will earn ten billion dollars for this company." The boss says, "By the way, you're not allowed to have decorations above the walls of your cubicle." The boss says, "WE both did something important today. Give me five."
Dilbert is in the boss' office. The boss says, "Make your report consistent with our strategic plan." Dilbert says, "What's out strategic plan?" The boss says, "It's a secret." Dilbert says, "Are you saying you don't trust me?" The boss says, "I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees." Dilbert says, "How can I do my report if I don't know the strategy?! The boss says, "Okay, okay. I'll let you glance at it." The boss pulls a piece of paper out of his desk. The boss barely lets Dilbert see the paper. The boss says, "Time's up! That's long enough!" Dilbert says, "That's the warranty for your chair." The boss says, "Really? I've been managing to this for years."
Asok the Intern enters Wally's cubicle and asks, "Wally, may I tap into your vast wisdom?" Wally turns and answers, "Okay, but make sure you pull out before your head explodes." Asok says, "I've noticed that many employees are evil, sadistic obstructionists." Asok continues, "Do all the nuts work HERE by some strange coincidence?" Asok continues, "Or are most employees evil?" Wally says, "Don't focus on the evil, Asok." Wally says, "Focus on the few employees who seem good." Wally continues, holding up his hand, "THEY'RE the ones who will stab you when you're sleeping! Trust no one but the lazy!" Asok runs out of the cubicle yelling, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Wally calls after him, "I warned you to pull out."
Catbert talks to the boss. The boss sits at his desk. Catbert says, "The employees aren't falling fror the old "intangible benefits" story anymore." The boss says, "Uh-oh. We don't earn enough money to give tangible benefits to employees AND stockholders." Caption: Stockholder meeting. The boss presents a sign that reads "Stock" and has a plummeting line. The boss says, "...Now let's discuss your intangible benefits..." One stockholder pulls a gun. Another stockholder waves his can and curses.
Wally, Alice, and Dilbert are meeting. Wally says, "Alice is overdosing on antidepressants." Dilbert says, "We must induce vomiting." Wally holds a piece of paper in front of Alice's face. Wally says, "Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary." Dilbert comes home disheveled. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were having and Alice was punching us."