Won't Succeed Comic Strips - Page 9

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446 Results for Won't Succeed

View 81 - 90 results for won't succeed comic strips. Discover the best "Won't Succeed" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #demands, #bosses, #unrealistic, #frustration, #outburst, #catch-22, #travel, #air travel

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Boss: Carol, move my flight one hour earlier Friday. Carol: Do you have any idea how hard that would be? I know it sounds easy, but it won't be. Not at this late date. Not with all your pickiness. When I fail, you will think I didn't look hard enough for a new flight. I can't prove a negative, so I will forever suffer your disdain. My career is ruined. Boss: Never mind! Forget it! Why is it so hard to ask you to do anything? Carol: I've been telling people you're stupid, but I'm open to other theories.

Humans Hold Domininion

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Humans Hold Domininion - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #temperature, #humans, #nature, #thermostat, #robots, #technology, #evolution, #fragility

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Dilbert: My brain won't work when the office is warmer than 72. Carol: It has to be at least 74 or I'll freeze. Robot: What's it like to hold dominion over the Earth within a narrow band of temperatures that can't coexist? Dilbert: Was that a joke? Carol: I'm too cold to think?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sales personnel, #salesman, #sales, #honesty, #deception, #stragegy, #sociopath, #lying, #lie, #business

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Man: I need you to join me on a sales call to tell my customer how easy it will be to switch to our software. Dilbert: It isn't easy. Man: This is a sales call. All you need to do is say everything will be easy. Dilbert: What happens when they find out it isn't easy? Man: They won't find out until after they pay us. Dilbert: What will you do when they complain? Man: I'll tell your boss you misled them. Dilbert: Not if I warn him first! Man: Too late. I already told him you're a liar.

Robot Learns To Procreate

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Robot Learns To Procreate - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #robot, #mind control, #thinking, #life, #creation, #conscience, #sentience, #manipulation

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Robot: I figured out how to procreate. Boss: I don't like the sound of this. Robot: I infected you with an idea virus that tells you to build more robots. Boss: Won't work. CEO: Does anyone have an idea for increasing efficiency in our manufacturing process?

Two Choices For A Project

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Two Choices For A Project - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #question, #trick, #choice, #illusion, #work, #assignment, #power

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Boss: Do you want the boring and awful project that is likely to succeed... or the fun project that is certain to fail and take your career with it? Dilbert: You came here to give both of them to me. Boss: Ha ha! You know me.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fitness, #competition, #step, #fitbit, #tracker, #technology, #competitive, #exercise, #walking, #Sports, #health

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Wally: According to my fitness tracker, I took 20,000 steps yesterday. Alice: What? That's double what I did. You won't win this! I will run to the ends of the earth to beat your step count! Dilbert: Do you really have a fitness tracker? Wally: No, it looks like a lot of work.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #quality, #work ethic, #shortcut, #laziness, #defective, #awards, #engineer, #engineering

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CEO: Congratulations to everyone who worked on our new laptop design. As I call your name, come up and get your certificate of accomplishment. Alice was in charge of the hardware and won several design awards. Dilbert was in charge of the award-winning software. And... Wally designed the power brick that weighs more than the laptop...and comes apart for no apparent reason. We probably won't show this in our ads. Wally: Hey, I worked on that for almost an hour!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #manager, #inspiration, #entrepreneur, #risk, #irony, #catch-22, #creativity, #creative, #motivation

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Boss: I want you to think like entrepreneurs. Dilbert: Should we take huge risks? Boss: No, the stockholders would hate that. Alice: Should we act as though we have no boss? Boss: NO. That would be chaos. Dilbert: Will we become billionaires if we succeed? Boss: Raises are capped at 3% this year. I'm just saying you should be more creative. Dilbert: and then we should act? Boss: No, that's when the problems happen.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #public speaking, #presentation, #question, #questions, #stupid, #idiot, #idiots, #criticism, #critic

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Boss: I need you to critique my presentation for the board. And don't hold back to spare my feelings. Dilbert: That probably won't be an issue. Alice: We got this. Boss: My product idea has three components. Alice: How do you know another company isn't secretly preparing to launch the same product? Boss: What kind of stupid question is that? Alice: It's the same question you asked me yesterday about my product idea. Boss: The board won't ask that. Alice: Don't be so sure. I hear they're idiots.

Wally Won't Oversupply Wisdom

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Wally Won't Oversupply Wisdom - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #economist, #Promotion, #jargon, #babble, #deception, #smart people, #obliviousness

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Boss: Our CEO wants to promote you to Chief Economist because nothing you say makes sense. He thinks that's the sign of a great economist. Wally: It totally is. Boss: Say something smart. Wally: Whoa! I don't want to create an oversupply of wisdom.