Dilbert: I have to warn you that I'll be going deep on a technology problem today. I'll be using the executive attention network of my brain at the expense of my social awareness. Boss: Sounds like a radical change. Dilbert: I can't tell if that was sarcasm.
CEO: I explained to Alice why I earn more than she does, but she refuses to understand. I'm taller and I have male reproductive body parts. That's what stockholders care about, and nothing can change that. (Alice whistles as she walks with a pair of scissors and a mallet.)
CEO: You must learn to embrace change. Dilbert: Can we change anything we want to change? CEO: No. You don't get to say what the changes are. I do that. Alice: Will that situation ever change? CEO: No. Alice: Why not? You said change is good. CEO: Change is good. For other people. So embrace it or I'll fire you. Employees: We love change!!!
Dilbert: I like to think the work I'm doing here will change the world. Boss: Your project didn't get funded because Carol forgot to put a meeting on my calendar. Dilbert: There is, however, a non-zero chance that I"m just a guy sitting in a box.
Boss: Will our new website be live this week? Developer: That depends. If you request even the slightest change, it could set things back for months. Boss: I only want to change the homepage title font. Developer: Oh, great. I should be done by next summer.
Boss: I invited a climate scientist to explain the risk of climate change to our company. Man: Human activity is warming the earth and will lead to a global catastrophe. Dilbert: How do scientists know that? Man: It's easy. We start with the basic science of physics and chemistry. Then we measure changes in temperature and CO2 over time. We put that data into dozens of different climate models and ignore the ones that look wrong to us. Then we take that output and run it through long-term economic models of the sort that have never been right. Dilbert: What if I don't trust the economic models? Man: Who hired the science denier?
Dilbert: Our transition to an open office plan has been a huge failure. Too many distractions. How can we change back to cubicles and private offices without looking like idiots? Are you listening to me? Boss: Is someone nursing a baby over there?
The Boss: I watched a Ted talk yesterday about how idiots don't know they are dumb.
Alice: For the sake of my career, I hope you change the subject as soon as possible.
The Boss: Did you know idiots believe they are smart?
Alice: Must... Not... Speak...
Boss: I can't give you a raise because you didn't accomplish anything this year.
Dilbert: Are you insane? I completely redesigned our line of products!!!
Boss: That was mostly last year.
Dilbert: You didn't give me a raise last year because I wasn't finished until January of this year. Now you aren't giving me a raise this year because I did most of the work last year. Give me one reason I shouldn't quit right now!
Boss: Because every other company is just as bad. And you don't like change.
Dilbert: I said one reason!
the boss: we'll need a scapegoat to blame for our failure on this project.
dilbert: no one will believe it wasn't our fault.
the boss: are you kidding?
the boss: people will believe anything.
the boss: we just have to be the first to frame the situation.
dilbert: i suppose we could make our lie sound credible.
the boss: that's overkill.
dilbert: we don't need to sound credible?
the boss: not even a little.
the boss is in ceo's office.
the boss: our project failed because of climate change.
ceo: that sounds right.
