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Dogbert: I analyzed the DNA of all of your applicants to find the best fit for the job. The most qualified applicant who is willing to work for you has three ears, a snout, and a life expectancy of Thursday." The Boss: Dilbert, meet the new guy. And do it quickly." cough cough
The Boss: Alice, This is my daughter. Her career plan is to become a trophy wife for a blind guy. Daughter: And by that he means he's not happy that Im majoring in visual and performing arts. Alice: Im having a real hard time choosing sides on this one.
Boss: Do you have a minute to answer an engineering question? My wife is out of town visiting her sister. She asked me to put up the holiday lights while she was gone. I hired a homeless guy to do it and he fell off the roof. What's the easiest way to get rid of the body before my wife comes home? Dilbert: Your question is disturbing, but I'm intrigued by the engineering part. Here's a design for a catapult you can build at home. And here's a satellite map showing the best flight path to a neighbor's pool. Did he die right away? Boss: No, just a broken leg.
Wally: I heard a rumor that you're highly talented. That means you'll leave this company any minute. I came to salvage whatever assets you leave behind. Dilbert: Is he the talented guy? Wally: Back off! I'm already chasing this ambulance.
Dilbert: Don't get too friendly with the new guy. His armpits are 66 inches off the ground. Asok: He seems nice. I fail to see how the height of his armpits is relevant. Wally: You'll see. New Guy: Hey, little buddy. Let me tell you about my weekend.
Man says, "You must be Dilbert. I'm the new guy on your project team." Dilbert says, "What's that foul stench?" Man says, "It's the stink of failure. It follows me around from project to project." Dilbert says, "How do I get if off?!!" Man says, "You can dilute it by shaking hands."
Dilbert says, "Maybe it's not a good idea to eat a noisy bag of chips next to a speaker-phone." Dilbert says, "Uh-oh. My common sense has wounded your ego and made you defiant." Asok says, "Did you really think he would stop?" Dilbert says, "No. I hate the guy who was on the speaker-phone."
The Boss says, "I can't give you a raise because your project is behind schedule." Dilbert says, "That's because the vendor delivered defective equipment." The Boss says, "It is your job to anticipate that sort of problem and head it off." Dilbert says, "It isn't possible to anticipate and head off every improbable event." The Boss says, "Well, you could have picked a more reliable vendor." Dilbert says, "You told me to use this vendor because the sales guy took you golfing and bought you a hat." The Boss says, "Well, you should have seen that coming and burned down all hat factories a year ago." Dilbert says, "He would have bribed you another way." The Boss says, "That's what lazy people say."
Dilbert says, "And Russell will act as the WDG for our project." Asok says, "WDG?" Alice says, "Worthless dumb guy. Every project has one." Dilbert says, "In a different context, Russell might seem totally competent." Dilbert says, "But in any small group, the dumbest person always seems extra worthless." Dilbert says, "Everyone else on the project is brilliant. That makes Ruseell seem like a chimp." Alice says, "It's helpful to identify the WDG so we can discourage him from trying to contribute." Asok says, "Does it hurt his feelings?" Russell says, "Me want banana!" Alice says, "It's hard to know."
The Boss says, "Wally, I need you to train the new mailroom guy." Wally says, "Why me?" The Boss says, "Because he's unimportant and you're worthless." Wally says, "Okay, I was worried that it was the other way around." Wally says, "All important messages are sent by e-mail." Wally says, "So your job is to shovel all of the regular mail into recycling bins." Wally says, "We won't be paying you, but you can use packages and tape to build your own igloo." Two weeks later The Boss says, "Why is my desk so clean?" Wally says, "You're welcome."