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Dilbert: Here's the final design for Project 'Zebra'. I worked day and night for weeks to finish it on time. The Boss: I canceled that project a month ago, I meat to tell you. Dilbert: In some countries it would be legal to kill you with this binder, The Boss: Thats why I don't travel.
The caption reads, "Bad news." The Boss sits at his desk saying, "We're not giving any raises." The captions reads, "Making it worse." The Boss says, "But we think work is its own reward." The caption reads, "Making it MUCH worse." The Boss says, "Expect to get rewarded about twice as much next year."
The caption says, "Bad news in 1985." Dilbert, the Boss and another man sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We're replacing the company doctor with a registered nurse." The caption says, "Bad news in 1990." The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "We fired the nurse and put the aspirin and tourniquets in the vending machine." The caption says, "Bad news in 1995." The Boss holds a mallet behind his back as he says to Dilbert and Wally, "We've been asked to increase vending machine revenue by fifteen percent."
Dogbert tells the Boss, "One way to look at your problem is that nobody likes your products." Dogbert continues, "But I don't know how to fix that. So I recommend forming internal business units to bicker with each other." The Boss asks, "Why would you recommend that?" Dogbert responds, "Well, I'd be lying if I said I liked you."
Dilbert, Wally and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "My status for the week is that the ongoing dehumanization from my job has caused me to doubt my existence." As he waves his hands in front of Wally's face Dilbert continues, "There is reason to believe I am becoming invisible." The Boss asks Wally, "Do I hear your pager buzzing, Wally?" Wally replies, "I doubt it; I don't keep batteries in it." Dilbert disappears with a "plink."
The corporate jet flies over the mountains. From the cockpit, Dogbert says, "This is Captain Dogbert with some good news and some bad news." Dogbert continues, "The good news is that we'll be hitting town ten minutes ahead of schedule . . ." Dogbert continues, "The bad news is we'll be hitting town."
Dilbert lies on the couch with his knees bent and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dilbert says, "Terrible news: my boss assigned me to a fun and valuable project." Dogbert says, "Uh-oh. That means at least three morons will be assigned to similar projects. You must find them and crush them . . ." Dilbert says, "Exactly." Back at the office, Dilbert enters a co-worker's cubicle and says, "Carl, old buddy, whatcha workin' on these days?" Carl waves his hands and says, "Nothing fun and valuable. Shoo shoo!!"
Dilbert enters the office kitchen where a man is putting a sign on the coffee maker that says, "Coffee maker." Dilbert asks, "Why are you putting a sign on the coffee maker?" The man says, "It's an ISO 9000 requirement. Everything must be clearly labeled. There can be no exceptions." Dilbert says, "That's stupid." The man walks away saying, "Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do." The man's shirt has a label on the back that says, "Stupid label guy."
The caption says, "What if people had tails? First of all, it would look darned silly." A tail protrudes from Dilbert's pants. The caption says, "Only the truly unobservant would lose at poker." Dilbert sits at a table playing poker with a man. Dilbert thinks, "He's bluffing." The man's tail wags. He thinks, "Control . . . Don't wag . . ." The caption says, "Jury trials would be simpler." A woman sits in the witness stand and says, ". . . Then I found my husband dead." The judge and a lawyer stare at her wagging tail. The caption says, "And parties would be even more awkward." Dilbert talks to a man with a bandage on his head and his arm in a sling. The man says, "That's when I learned that if you drive a Porsche, you should never make fun of a man on a steamroller." Dilbert's tail wags as he replies, "Tragic . . . Really."
Dilbert drives his car. He hears a siren behind him and thinks, "Police?" The officer stands at Dilbert's window and says, "You made an illegal U-turn." Dilbert says, "You're giving me a ticket for THAT?! A measly U-turn?!" Dilbert says angrily, "I can't believe it! The world is full of murderers and thugs, but you stop ME?" Dilbert says, "I'm wasting my taxes on your salary!" Dilbert continues, "And frankly, those mustaches you guys all grow don't make you look any smarter." The policeman says, "Please step out of your car for the sobriety test." Dilbert arrives at home wearing dirty and torn clothing. He tells Dogbert, ". . . So, it turns out that the sobriety test involves flinging yourself down a muddy embankment."