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Headline: Gaming Commission. Dogbert and Ratbert are sitting at a table. Dogbert says into a microphone, "My concept is a casino exclusively for morons." Dogbert continues, "Imagine a room full of oblivious dolts, and I'm taking advantage of them for personal gain." A woman on the commission asks, "When would that concept begin?" Dogbert replies, "About a minute ago."
The Boss: Tell me why you need a new server. and don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. Dilbert: Early civilizations had no concept of zero. The Boss: Go on.
Man: "I love golf. Golfing is fun. It's a good day to golf. Do you want to go golfing in the rain tomorrow at 6 A.M.?" Wally: "No, thanks. I have plans to sandpaper my entire body and roll around in salt." Man: "I hope no one ever creates a scoring system for that."
"Do you have a price sheet for removing unnecessary body parts?" "I wouldn't mind a few days away from work, being waited on, watching TV and napping." "You have an inflamed coccyx?" "Yeah, it's gotta go."
"Accounting" "Can you explain these expense figures?" "It's a base ten accounting system with a full range of odd and even digits." "This isn't helping." "Tastes like hp printer ink... high gloss paper, four hours old."
"I am concerned because my objectivess are vague and unmeasurable." "As a result, I am not inspired to achieve my full potential... and... um..." "Did I just say I'm doing a bad job and ask you to punish me?" "That's what I heard."
Title reads: "Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources." Catbert is at his desk. He says to Dilbert, "I hired a new engineer for your project." Catbert unveils the new engineer. He is a joke. His tongue hangs out of his mouth, his eyes are wide, his collar is up and one side of his shirt is untucked. Catbert says, "He's never been an engineer before." Dilbert listens as Catbert continues, "But YOU'RE an engineer, so how hard could it be?" Catbert adds, "And he's cheap! I'll get a huge raise for being under budget." Dilbert is getting furious. Catbert exclaims, "And your project will fail! Ha Ha Ha Ha!" As the new engineer reaches towards him, Catbert realizes, "Uh-oh. I laughed myself full of static electricity." The new engineer thinks, "Fuzzy. Cute." and pets Catbert. "Zap!" Dilbert, standing over the body of the new engineer, asks, "He's dead. Now what?" Catbert replies, "I guess you'll have to drag him to the meetings."
The Boss approaches Dilbert with a book in hand. The Boss says, "Let's see.. your defects are discussed in chapter 23." The Boss continues, "I'll give you a photocopy so you can see how to fix it yourself." As The Boss walks away, he thinks, "Books are full of information."