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Share October 14, 1998's comic on:
Caption: Somewhere in Elbonia. Dilbert stands waist high in snow holding his briefcase. Two Elbonians in big hats and long beards stand across from him. Dilbert says, "I've been sent to teach you cobol." Elbonian man says, "We don't have any computers." Dilbert says, "That's okay. I don't know cobol." Dilbert and the two Elbonians pretend to type on imaginary keyboards. Dilbert says, "...And if you had a keyboard, you would od this." Elbonian says, "Oops.. how do I delete?"
Share November 24, 1998's comic on:
The Boss walks up to Dilbert with magnets all over his body. The Boss says, "I'm feeling much healthier since I strapped all of these magnets to my body." Dilbert says, "That's fascinating. You should show them to Wally. It would have a big impact on him." The boss says, "Okay." From off-panel Wally screams, "You erased my #%!!* hard drive!!"
Share April 17, 1994's comic on:
The Boss: "As your leader it's my job to provide a vision." "But frankly, I'm not seeing anything." Wally: "Have another donut. Sometimes the sugar helps." The Boss: "It's working. I'm getting something, but it's fuzzy." Alice: "Quick! Try my coffee!" The boss: "Mmph!" "Oh yeah, there it is. Oh-oh-oh." "It looks like I'll be living in a big house with servants. And you'll all get laid off." Dilbert: "This vision thing is overrated." Wally: "So; do you have a gardener lined up yet?"
Share February 26, 1995's comic on:
Tags #chocolate cake, #engineer, #railroad, #big corproation, #fix typrwriters, #debugged tcp, #driver aplication, #isdn bonding, #cuts down to size, #dilmom, #cake to packing foam, #insulted cake, #engineering
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on a couch. Dilbert's mom hands him a plate and says, "Here's some nice chocolate cake for you and Dogbert." Dilbert says, "Thank, Mom." Dogbert also says, "Thanks, Mom." Dilbert's mother says, "Tell me all about your job at the railroad." Dilbert replies, "It's not a railroad. I'm an engineer at a big corporation." Dilbert's mom asks, "Do you fix the typewriters when they break?" Dilbert replies, "No . . . Today I debugged a TCP/IP driver for an application that runs over ISDN with bonding." Dilbert's mom asks, "You mean, all you do is slap a BRI analyzer on a circuit and look for bad packets?" Dilbert says, "Well . . . Yeah. But it's really hard." Dilbert and Dogbert walk outdoors. Dilbert says, "I was doing okay until she offered to pay my tuition to typewriter repair school." Dogbert says, "You shouldn't have compared her cake to packing foam."
Share March 12, 1995's comic on:
Tina asks Dilbert, "Did you review my draft documentation yet?" Dilbert sits at his desk and replies, "Uh . . . I'll get to it soon." Tina says, "That's what you've been saying since July!!" Tina continues, "I know I'm only a lowly technical writer and you're a big important engineer . . ." Tina screams, "But is it too much to ask for you to glance at the fruits of my labor?!!!" Tina grabs Dilbert's tie and yells, "Five lousy mintues is all it would take to validate my value on this planet! Read it, you fetid pile of compost!!" Dilbert opens a binder and says, "Okay, okay! I'll read it right now!" Dilbert says, "These pages are blank! You've been bluffing for months!" Tina looks nervous. Tina says, "I think I'll go have a yummy compost salad with delicious fetid cheese." Dilbert says, "I'm going to look up those words."
Share May 28, 1995's comic on:
The Boss enters Dilbert's cubicle and says, "I'm putting you in charge of project 'BIFF.'" The Boss says "'BIFF' stands for 'Big Improvements For Free.'" The Boss says, "Your job is to recommend ways to increase profits without spending money or changing anything." Dilbert says, "You have to spend money to make money." The Boss says, "If we HAD money to spend we wouldn't need to MAKE money. Duh." Dilbert says, "The point is that you can make MORE money than you spend." The Boss says, "I'm not following your so-called 'point.'" The Boss says, "Logically, anything I don't understand is unimportant. Have your report tomorrow." The Boss sits at his desk, holding Dilbert's report. The Boss says, "So, you recommend . . . Replacing all managers with lava lamps." Dilbert reaches into his pocket and says, "Here's a few bucks for the lava lamps."
Share October 15, 1995's comic on:
Tags #Dogbert, #long range planner, #impossible evaluation, #flex-time, #supposed to work, #internet connection n, #telecommute, #not pollute, #give a hoot, #losers, #demanded relocation, #no budget, #poodle graohics, #big raise
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want to be our new 'Long Range Planner,' Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "Because 'long range' is very far away . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . Therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance." Dogbert continues, "If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work." Dogbert continues, "I'll need an Internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot." Dogbert continues, "Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest riase when we're ranked." The Boss says, "You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that." Dogbert stands at a desk. Dilbert asks, "Why do I have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the Internet?" Dogbert says, "Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise."
Share December 15, 1996's comic on:
The Boss tells Dilbert, "I made an upgrade to your product design." He hands Dilbert a document. Dilbert says, "This would make the product overheat." The Boss says, "Let's try to look at the big picture." Dilbert reads the document and says, "Okay . . . Let's see . . . Your upgrade has no benefits and it costs more." Dilbert continues, "The overheating would start office fires and put all of our customers out of business." Dilbert continues, "If our sales are strong, we could create economic chaos and a global firestorm." Dilbert concludes, "Your 'upgrade' would destroy civilization as we know it." The Boss says, "Keep me informed." Back at home, Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert asks, "So you're going to end civilization as we know it?" Dilbert replies, "I don't think I'll miss it, frankly."
Share June 29, 1997's comic on:
Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk. He says, "I want a ten-percent raise." The Boss replies, "There's no budget for raises." Dilbert holds up a letter and says, "I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more." The Boss says, "I'll give you twenty percent if you stay." Dilbert says, "I thought you said there's no budget for raises." The Boss replies, "Well . . . It's supposed to be a secret but . . ." The Boss says, "Our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs." Dilbert tells Alice and Wally, "Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty!" They cheer and shout, "Yes! Yippee!" Wally asks, "What's the reward for leaving work early?" Dilbert replies, "He wouldn't show me the price sheet."
Share December 21, 1997's comic on:
Wally sticks his head into the boss' office. Wally says, "I'm back from training." Wally says, "I got a big binder." Wally holds out a big book. Wally says, "The training is already forgotten but the binder will last forever." Wally brings the binder to his chest. Wally says, "A living monument to temporary knowledge!" Wally says, "I'll put it in my cubicle with the others." Wally says, "Speaking of my cubicle, which direction is it?" The Boss points. Wally says, "Okay, thanks. That information should be in a binder." Dilbert says, "Did he approve funding for our project?" Wally says, "Not yet. Step one was to free up funds from the training budget."