Maintain Status Quo Comic Strips - Page 9
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The boss says, "At the value stream stand up meeting, all status reports must be in the form of red, yellow, or green." Mauve Ecru Cerulean Puce the boss says, "Sometimes the only point of a meeting is to remind me how much I hate them."
Alice says, "I crunched the numbers, and it makes sense for us to get married." Alice says, "I can maintain my lifestyle if you live in the closet and your only hobby is cleaning my house when I'm gone." Alice says, "If that doesn't work, I can insure the bejeezus out of you and hope for the best." Dilbert says, "The best?"
The boss says, "Wally, you didn't e-mail me your project status." Wally says, "Did you check your spam folder?" Wally says, "Maybe you should check there before you besmirch my good name with your baseless accusations." The Boss says, "Did you send it?" Wally says, "Okay, I see how you're trying to turn this around."
Dilbert says, "The status of my project is that apparently I died and became a ghost." Dilbert says, "I don?t remember dying, but the evidence of my untimely demise is clear." Dilbert says, "In the past week, no one has returned my phone calls or replied to my emails." Dilbert says, "When I try to print a document, I get nothing but error messages." Dilbert says, "Now all of you are looking at your phones and reading materials as if no one is speaking to you." Dilbert says, "I will now test my ghost theory by running through a living person." Dilbert says, "BOOOO!!!" Dilbert says, "Good news. I'm alive but unworthy of attention." Dogbert says, "I'm trying to watch a show."
"My project has been infected by attractive people." "As you know, attractive people are unproductive." "The problem is compounded when you put several of them in the same room." "They've already started to pair off." "I've got four love triangles and six divorces." "All of my status reports say, and I quote, 'Dude, I can't concentrate now.'" "My plan is to replace each attractive person with something like this, or this." "He thinks I'm productive."
"We need more staff for prject Cribou.' "No. You're thinking of project Caribbean." "Caribou is like project muskrat but with lower P.R.O.R.C." "P.R.O.R.C?" "Projected return on research capital." "Is muskrat the enterprise software project?" "Um... No... That would be project muskrat." "Cancel project musk ox, move the staff over to project zebra, delay panda and sdquirrel and give me a status report on probosics monkey." "We don't have any projects with those names." "How's that my fault?"
"Alice, company policy says that personal items can not be higher than the cubicle wall." "Just out of curiousity, what is the logic behind that bizarre policy?" "We want to maintain a smooth line-of-sight for aesthetic reasons." "Let me see if I understand your point of view." "My Einstein doll makes the cubicle so hideous that our stock will plunge" "Now if I take it down..." "Gasp! It's so beautiful now! My soul is filled with music! My life has meaning!" "Yea! I just noticed that when I look at this doll and you at the same time, you look hideous."
Tags #eagles can't fly
"Wally, the status report that you e-mailed me is blank." "That;s because eagles can't type." "What?" "The motivational poster in the break says I should be like an eagle." "The point of that poster is that your spirit should soar like an eagle while you continue to do mundane work." "Wouldn't I die if my spirit left my body to go soar?" "You're confusing your spirit with your soul." "While your spirit is soaring, your sould should remain, trapped in your body, slowly decaying while you create your status report." "Would it change anything if I got a poster that says "you want it when?!!""
"GAAA!!! I'm changing!!!" "Suddenly I see you not as a quirky coworker, but as a colossal waste of resources!" "Do you think you matter? No, you do not. I matter." "I invented this table!" "I'd better call someone." "It's an emergency. Send the executive recruiter." "What's your status?!!" "Is it leadership or just regular crazy?" "Too soon to tell." "Hey! Leave my wallet alone!" "He's one of ours."