Search Results for "morale"

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 18, 2007's comic on:


View Transcript

Transcript

"Carol, you showed up for work almost every day this week. Here are some 'morale dollars'." "It's not real money, but you can redeem it for gifts and services that you don't want or need." "I also entered you into a raffle that you didn't win." HONK!

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2008's comic on:


Tags #human resources, #hr person, #evil director, #bad attitude, #project, #corpse of misery, #donated brain, #gum museum, #mental imbalance, #clarity, #irrational, #employee moral festival, #won meeting, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert: Evil director of human resources Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude. Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of a mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational? CatBert: I'm putting you in charge of the employee morale festival. Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death. Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 19, 2009's comic on:


Tags #drinking, #coffee, #suggestion, #mandatory, #rant, #yellign, #screaming, #ridiculous

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss says, "Did you see my suggestions for your presentation?" Dilbert says, "Yes, I rejected them." The boss says, "They aren't optional." Dilbert says, "Then why do you call them suggestions?" The boss says, "Sometimes I call things the wrong names to improve morale." DIlbert says, "You should just say what you're thinking. I can handle the truth." The boss says, "FIne. Make all of the changes I want, you ignorant hump." The boss says, "And do it now while I mock you with sleep noises." The boss says, "Baaaa! Baaaa! Baaaa!" Dilbert says, "Maybe your first way was better." The boss says, "No one will ever love you!"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 09, 2007's comic on:


Tags #manage, #spreadsheets, #emails, #luck, #unimportant subordinates, #bad mood, #insulting, #low morale

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss: "Cancel all of my meetings. I'm going to manage by making spreadsheets and sending e-mails." "With any luck, I'll never again need to speak with unimportant subordinates such as yourself." "C23 is in a bad mood today." "@#$%^!"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 19, 2007's comic on:


Tags #increased pordcutivity, #watched funny videos, #morning until dusk, #halfway done

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: This week I increased my productivity by improving my morale. "I watched funny youtube videos from morning until dusk." The Boos: "That's all you did?" Wally: "Don't worry. I'm almost halfway done."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2009's comic on:


Tags #rude, #explaining, #annoyed, #dancing, #angry, #uncaring

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert says, "My insolence safety zone has expanded." The boss says, "Your what?" Dilbert says, "It's a measure of how rude I can be without fear of consequences." Dilbert says, "You have no budget to give me a raise, so I have no potential gain from acting professionally." Dilbert says, "And it would be inconvinient for you to fire a highly experienced engineer and try to bring a new one up to speed." Dilbert says, "So from now on, when you ask me to do something stupid, which is most of the time..." Dilbert says, "I'll roll my eyes, make a dismissive grunt and do this dance." Phhhht! Dilbert says, "Hey walla-walla walla! Boopita boopita boopita!" Dilbert says, "You finally raised my morale. Good work on that."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 29, 2004's comic on:


Tags #employee attitude survey, #bigger bonuses, #happy, #money, #lie, #no lying, #surveys, #science, #new couch

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: Our bonuses will depend on the results of the employee attitude survey. If we boost our morale rank, we'll get bigger bonuses. get it? all you have to do is say you're happy and you get money. wink wink wink Dilbert: you want us to lie? No-o-o-o! Heaven forbid, absolutely no lying, But if you did lie, Imagine the things you could buy with that money, I'll hand out the surveys and you can let your conscience guide you. Dilbert: Is "para dise too over the top? Wally: Im going to lie me up a new couch!

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 22, 2003's comic on:


Tags #performance review, #denial, #anger, #bargaining, #depression, #acceptance, #trash talking, #lunch, #objectives, #glowing email, #7 stages, #psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Headline: Seven Stages of a Performance Review. Alice is sitting at her computer. The Boss approaches and says, "It's time." Headline: Denial. Carol is sitting across from the Boss. She looks at her evaluation and exclaims, "What the...? These aren't even my objectives!" Headline: Anger. Alice grabs The Boss by his tie and says, "Who said these things about me?!" Headline: Bargaining. Alice calms down and asks, "What if I make someone write a glowing e-mail about me?" Headline: Depression. Alice slumps in her chair and says, "Morale slipping away... hair.... so.... limp." Headline: Acceptance. Alice stands to leave and says, "Whatever, there's no budget for raises anyway." Headline: Trash-talking. Alice walks away from The Boss' office and says to herself, "... Wool-covered pile of ignorant monkey spit." Headline: Lunch. Alice sits in her cubicle and thinks, "A falafel would hit the spot."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 28, 2003's comic on:


Tags #employee moral survey, #open, #honest, #communication from management, #death spiral, #looting comaony, #noise, #fishing lures, #e, #ploys suffer, #boss likes hurting, #sick boss, #negative force

View Transcript

Transcript

"I have the results of the employee morale survey." "The number one issue is 'not enough open and honest communication from management.'" "Well, okay. I'm willing to give that a try." "Management is looting the company while hiding the fact that we're in a death spiral." "Whenever you talk, I think about fishing lures until the noise stops." "When I see an employee suffer, it excites me in ways I don't understand." "On nine separate occasions I've fired bald guys because I thought they were you." "If this doesn't work for you. Let me know on next employee morale survey."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 20, 2014's comic on:


Tags #employees, #honesty, #lying, #morale, #punishing honesty, #100% perfect, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Temporary Robot Boss. Robot: Is it just my simulated imagination or are all of the employees lying to me all the time? Catbert: We trained them to be that way by punishing honesty. Robot: How is you project coming along? Alice: 100% perfect! Couldn't be better!