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Dogbert and Ratbert sit on the couch. Ratbert asks, "Who was the world's first salesperson, Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "Some people say it was a guy named Noah." The caption says, "Noah's last name was content." Noah says, "I have a big, curly stick and I don't even know why." The caption says, "His job was to sell an ark cruise to animals." Noah asks an opossum hanging in a tree, "Did I say ark? I meant yacht." The caption says, "He invented soemthing called sales-babble to disquise his motives." Noah says, "We'll partner to leverage our value-adds in a win-win proposition." A beaver looks confused. The caption says, "He pioneered the lame joke." Noah asks a giraffe, "How's the weather up there? Hee hee!" The caption says, "When he couldn't reach quota, he got creative." Noah hands a unicorn horn to a cat and says, "Strap this to your head and don't ask questions." The caption says, "But his greatest innovation he called 'blaming engineering.'" An angry bear tells Noah, "I can't find the honey spa." Noah thinks, "Think fast."
The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.
Caption: "Catbert: H.R. Director" Catbert says, to Asok, "I value the input of all employees..." Catbert says, "....including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly>" Asok says, "So I was thinking maybe..." Catbert begins to sing, "He's a pinball wizard"
Alice, Dilbert, Wally and the boss are in a meeting. The boss says, "The company will not buy PDA's for employees." Dilbert raises his hand and says, "Question: Will you still pay for business trips of no discernible value?" The boss replies, "Of course." The boss is thinking, "A lot of people are traveling to Palm Pilot California lately."
The Boss says to Wally, "I have an assignment for you that has no value whatsoever to the company." The Boss continues, "For reasons of company politics, I need to pretend I'm doing something in that area." Wally approaches Dilbert and says, "So, you're doing actual work. What's that all about?"
Headline: Dogbert the Headhunter. Dogbert is meeting with a client. He says, "We'll need to reword the CEO section of your resume." Dogbert continues, "For example, there's never a right time to use the word 'plundered.'" Dogbert continues, "And instead of 'suckers ignored our P/E ratio,' say you 'enhanced stockholder value.'" The client replies, "Wow. You're good."
Asok: "Lately I am overcome with doubt that you read my status reports." The Boss: "Asok, the biggest value of a status report is that it makes you consider all the costs of your project." Assok: "Actually, that is the biggest value of a business plan or a budget." The Boss: "Whatever. Throw it on the pile."
Asok: Are you the troll that handles our payroll system? I have a problem. Troll: problems are handled by our automated sadistic phone system. ASOK: For tech support, press the exact value of 22 divided by 7
The Boss: Our differentiating value-added strategy is transformational change. "How was that? Does anyone feel different?" Alice: "My urge to hurl was increased a little bit." The Boss: "That's what change feels like."