Smartest Human Alive Comic Strips - Page 9
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393 Results for Smartest Human Alive
View 81 - 90 results for smartest human alive comic strips. Discover the best "Smartest Human Alive" comics from Dilbert.com.
Tuesday December 06,
2005
Tags #evil director, #human rescources, #disgruntled, #bad management, #commute, #rationalizer, #employee, #commute is easy
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "Ed, you seem disgruntled." "You need 30 minutes in the Employee Rationalizer." "I...I...don't mind bad management because...the commute is easy." "Better."
Monday December 19,
2005
Tags #evil director, #downsizing, #human way, #marketing ones, #giant dung beetle, #ball, #poor performers
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "The downsizing will be handled in the most humane way I could think of." "I hired a giant dung beetle to roll the poor performers into a ball and out the door." "I can't get the marketing ones to stick. They keep sliding off."
Saturday July 14,
2007
Tags #evil director, #human resources, #new policy, #no d drinking coffee, #remove all doubt, #policies, #evil, #honesty, #ruining the moment, #business
Transcript
Catbert, evil director of human resources Catbert: "Our new policy is no drinking coffee during work." "That should remove all doubt that our policies are designed for any reason other than evil." Dilbert: "Your honesty is refreshing." Catbert: "Stop ruining the moment!!!"
Sunday July 09,
2000
Tags #dna, #feed her, #human genome, #human simulations, #invented, #mapped and decoded, #market application, #on computer watch, #punish her, #samples, #software, #software simulation, #engineering
Transcript
Asok points to his diagram as he explains to the group, "My software will create human simulations from DNA samples." The Boss asks Asok, "What's the market application?" Asok answers, "Well...there are many various applications." The Boss says to Asok, "Name one." Asok begins to explain, "Well...someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded." Asok continues, "You could take a hair sample from a woman who refuses to date you..." Asok continues to explain, "and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch." Asok says, "You could have one button to feed her and one button to punish her." Wally replies, "I'd buy it." The Boss asks Asok, "Can you add a button?"
Monday January 22,
2007
Tags #evil director, #human resources, #scientist, #planet zorp, #technolgies, #engineers, #transfer knowledge, #work, #fabric covered container, #business, #science
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Scientist: I am a scientist from the planet Zorp. I bring you technologies beyond your imagination. All I ask is that you let me work with your engineers to transfer this knowledge. They think 'work' means sitting in a fabric-covered container.
Thursday February 01,
2007
Tags #get to cubicle, #without human contact, #teamwork
Transcript
Dilbert: My day will start out great if I can make it to my cubicle without human contact. "AAYI-YI-YI-YI!" The Boss: I hope that was the sound of teamwork."
Friday February 29,
2008
Tags #300 iq, #computer, #convincing people, #desk, #evil director, #human resources, #nobel prize, #track record, #unix, #technology, #business
Transcript
Catbert, the evil director of human resources, posts a job opening. Requirements: Candidate must have an I.Q. of 300, two centuries of unix experience and a track record of winning nobel prizes. "90% of my job is convincing people they don't deserve theirs."
Saturday April 26,
2008
Tags #due diligence, #hidden issues, #bad time, #human buns
Transcript
The Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to handle the due diligence for our alliance with the galactic protein corporation." The Boss says, "Find out if they have any hidden issues we should know about." Dilbert says, "Is this a bad time?" Human Buns
Thursday May 29,
2008
Tags #evil director, #human resources, #evaluate job applicants, #unqualified loser, #nailing it, #business
Transcript
Catbert: Evil director of human resources Catbert: "I like to use role play to evaluate job applicants." Pretend you're an unqualified loser. Wow. You're totally nailing it."
Thursday June 12,
2008
Tags #mock interview, #weasel, #edit trainer, #costume, #human costume
Transcript
Dogbert the Media Trainer Dogbert: "Let's try a mock interview to see how you respond under pressure. Are you a stinking weasel trying to pass as human?!!!" Weasel: What gave it away? Dogbert: "Honestly, it was a lucky guess."